[madaxe_again]

This all rings very familiar - I left my business in 2016 as I was absolutely disintegrating, and my business “partner” wasn’t prepared for me to take six months off to recover, as it would mean him stepping up to the mark and dealing with the nightmare fuel I spent my days on.

Anyway. Five years on, haven’t worked since other than very lightweight consultancy. Live in the woods.

Still wake up at 0430 every morning in a panic. Still grind my teeth. Still flinch every time I hear my phone. Incapable of being kind to myself.

There’s a point of no return, beyond where the brain damage is irreparable. You can learn to live with it, but you can’t ever get rid of it.

[mrfusion]

It sounds silly but have you considered getting a dog? They’re extremely healing in many ways.

[arkitaip]

Have you had therapy?

[madaxe_again]

Yes. They mostly wanted me to take a lot of drugs, and there was talk of experimental brain surgery, and I just don’t want any of that - whole damn process just made me more stressed and anxious - so now, I just smoke weed from when I wake to when I pass out.

I’m damaged, but functional - managed to build a house with my own hands this spring, while writing an ISO27k1 ISMS, while living off grid - I don’t just sit around on the couch - hell, don’t have a couch.

So yeah. Coping rather than being cured is the best many can hope for - and I’m just about coping.

[arkitaip]

I'm so sorry to hear that, really. It's a shame you didn't find a better therapist, sometimes it takes a couple of tries before you find one that gets you.

I hope you find a path forward where you have health and happiness.

[ghusbands]

Not everyone can be "fixed", especially via therapy. Sometimes, coping is all you can aspire to.

[mrfusion]

Don’t underestimate the value of lying on the couch. Also consider a hammock. Very peaceful.

[madaxe_again]

Oh, I have the optimal hammock, between two trees, on the riverbank - I can dangle my fingers in the water, surrounded by birdsong in dappled shade. It’s where I spent the rest of yesterday.

It does get better - consciously, I’m a much happier and calmer person than I was - but whatever part of me it is that screams in their sleep and kicks me out of bed in the pre-dawn hasn’t improved one jot. I wish it would.