[ALittleLight]

But that doesn't really work because those statements aren't all true of gold. Gold has functioned as a store of value for thousands of years. The price of gold changes over time, but it doesn't fluctuate nearly as much as bitcoin - which is a handy property for a "store of value".

Some gold obsessed people probably have hyperbolic claims about what gold can do, but my impression of it is that it is generally understood as a hedge against inflation or a store of value. Relatively few people think they are going to hodl gold until they 1,000x their way into being gold-millionaires and most of those that do probably aren't expecting real gains from gold.

Gold doesn't promise to be decentralized currency. Cryptocurrency does try to make that promise. Gold does solve problems it didn't create - e.g. use in electronics or in jewelry.

I think most of this parody just substitutes the word "Gold" for "Bitcoin" but misses that gold actually isn't making the same claims.