[FearNotDaniel]

Hey friend. I've been through some similar experiences myself, so I understand where you're coming from. Right now it probably feels like there is no hope but - trust me - there is. You must be a smart person, otherwise you wouldn't have been able to hold down a C++ job for five years. So you know you have talents and abilities that many other people didn't. For now, give yourself a break though. The fact that you have posted here shows that you, deep down, really want to make a better life for yourself and you are prepared to put the effort in to make that happen. You are the only person who can give yourself the life you truly want, but it's OK to ask for help when you need it. You are not alone, and you don't have to go through this alone. Maybe start by reflecting on those addictive patterns that you've already recognized, try instead to get regular sleep, get some exercise, spend at least some time outdoors. I won't write any more now because it's late in my timezone and I'm still in the process of teaching myself the discipline to order my life and define my own idea of success. You are strong. You've got this. Just give yourself some time and start trying to develop some healthy habits as a foundation for everything else.