[bambax]

> For the longest time, I’d told myself that I was open to feedback and hard conversations because I’d repeatedly said to people that I’m always happy to hear it.

I don't know the author, but in my experience, this is usually false. People who tell you to be frank and that they are able and willing to receive any kind of feedback, usually aren't.

It's a power play.

They say this to appear strong, but if you take them up to their word and actually tell them the truth, they either get upset or completely shut you down. I have had many experiences of this, and one again pretty recently.

Some things are best left unsaid. Unthought even, maybe.

[ethangk]

I think you've touched on something really important. There are definitely times where my emotional reaction to something doesn't line up with how I'd ideally feel. Most of the time I can moderate my response, sometimes not. But I think getting better at this comes with practise, and without inviting those kinds of conversations, I'll never get better.

> They say this to appear strong, but if you take them up to their word and actually tell them the truth, they either get upset or completely shut you down. I have had many experiences of this, and one again pretty recently.

Are these people you'd consider yourself very close with?

[chestervonwinch]

> Most of the time I can moderate my response, sometimes not. But I think getting better at this comes with practise, and without inviting those kinds of conversations, I'll never get better.

The intent of some mindfulness and meditation exercises is to become more attuned to one's lower-level physical responses as a grounding point for being able to more readily identify one's higher-level emotional responses.

In the moment, it might be difficult to recognize and moderate the higher-level reaction without first becoming adept at recognizing the lower ones (e.g., sweaty palms or tense muscles).

[bambax]

> Are these people you'd consider yourself very close with?

The recent incident, no, not at all. But I had an abusive ascendant as a child, who would encourage us to "speak our mind" and then punish us for it. I can spot the type for quite a long way away.

Unfortunately, being able to spot them doesn't prevent one from falling victim yet again. We tell ourselves it will be better this time -- well, it usually isn't.

[ethangk]

> I had an abusive ascendant as a child, who would encourage us to "speak our mind" and then punish us for it.

I'm really sorry that happened to you, it sounds traumatic. I can understand why you'd be hesitant to share honest feedback with others after going through that.

> The recent incident, no, not at all

I wrote this post with people who I'm close with, or interested in being close with, in mind. For a random person I'm going to have a one-off interaction with, or someone who I won't interact with regularly, I'd weigh up whether it's worth it or not. If I mean nothing to them, I doubt honest feedback would be received well