| I can only imagine the reaction of all prisoners in large Federal corrections institutions if one sunny morning they are lined up and processing for the release of every single inmate starts to take place. "What's going on, officer?" "Supreme court just ruled on the Minecraft speedrun case." "What's that?" "This Youtube asshole got sued for playing a video game or something. I don't know. Hughes, what was it?" "He mined a diamond on his second try." "This asshole mined a diamond on his second try. Now all youse are getting released." "So what's going on, we're gonna get a retrial or something?" "Nah. Everyone here is going home." The release of all incarcerated felons in the United States passes off almost without incident, although police leave in Chicago is cancelled after several homicides in the downtown area on a single night. These are believed to involve released prisoners, but this was never confirmed. Pawnshops and liquor stores in several areas of the country hire extra security for the following week after viral WhatsApp messages warn of a crime wave, but the expected spike in criminal behavior never takes place. On the afternoon of the second day of releases two Marshalls and a adjunct professor of mathematics get out of a rented car outside FCI Marion, having flown to Chicago from the nation's capital. They are too late to stop the release of the man convicted of ripping off the 'McDonald's Monopoly' lottery game. A numerate intern at the DoJ noticed late on the first 'release day' that the chance of every single large award in the fast food prize draw between 1995 and 2000 being won by one person's associates or family members, technically exceeded the new probabilistic standard for reasonable doubt. They are ten minutes too late, the fraudster having departed by Uber. For the first time in its history the FBI Most Wanted list consists of a single name, for nine days until his recapture at Canadian border. The email alerting prison staff to his upheld conviction had been sent to the email address of a recently retired prison officer, a fact cited in his retrial as evidence that "he's just a lucky guy, you know?" |