[bawolff]

Then don't

Nothing good comes from forcing yourself to do something you hate. Even if you're succesful it probably won't be worth it in the end, and given how much you hate it you're probably not going to be succesful at it (its basically impossible to succed at something you hate).

It sounds like you feel trapped. Consider talking to a therapist. They can help you come up with a plan to slowly make changes in your life to make it more into whatever it is you want it to be.