[bellaire]

You can other things to show that you give a damn besides apologizing, which is kind of her point.

Would a woman apologize to another woman about the behavior of a crude man? No, because she hasn't done anything wrong. Apologizing explicitly externalizes women as being outside your group. You're saying "gee, I'm sorry one of us did that to one of you." That just reinforces the idea that "Women in Tech" are a separate entity from "People in Tech". She's asking you to stay at the "People in Tech" level.

Not-apologizing isn't a form if ignoring. There are many other things you can do than pretend to be part of the offending group so that you can apologize. If a caucasian American said to an African-American, "Gee, I'm sorry about slavery, that was really wrong of us", that would be horribly offensive, wouldn't it?

Are we all in this together or not?

[michellegreer1]

You hit the nail on the head, bellaire. The best thing you can do is support competent people and call out people who bring others down. It doesn't matter if someone is a woman, African American, or has a crazy lisp or something. If someone brings value into the workplace, which according to research, women do, we should protect them for the sake of us all. I don't want apologies. I want you to have my back, because I'll always have yours if you are good people.