[bmdavi3]

The secret to being a good conversationalist is to have the other person do most of the talking, and everyone's favorite thing to talk about is themselves.

Being, and therefore appearing, genuinely interested in what the other person is saying about themselves creates the best feelings in the world for the other person, and you won't run out of things to talk about.

"You just got a new dog? Cool!"

Then you can ask any follow up question you like.

What kind? What's their name? Where'd you get them from? Do you feed them "people food"?.. etc.

One question at a time of course, and avoid queuing them up in your head. When the other person is talking, try very hard not to think of the next thing you're going to say. If you do that, you'll miss what they're actually saying and eventually say something that makes it clear you weren't listening. Similarly, you'll miss out on each new bit of the conversation, and those new bits are the basis of new, honest, follow up questions.

You don't have to be interested in dogs generally, to be interested in them temporarily. "Being interested, intentionally" is a skill you can improve.

Don't try to direct the flow of the conversation too much either. Go into your next conversation with friends, family, coworkers, or strangers with a truly open mind about what you're going to talk about, with no agenda, and be happy knowing it could change at any time.

Your job is to listen and ask more.

A lot of supposed "conversations" are just two people looking at each other, waiting for their turn to talk. If you're going to do that you might as well each write your sentences down beforehand, exchange them, and then throw them away without reading them.

The truth is, nobody wants to hear what you have to say. They don't want to hear what I have to say. They want to tell you about what's going on in their lives and what's important to them.

[srinivgp]

I hear people say this so much and it's so incredibly not true for me but I dunno if I'm different, they're all full of it, or both.

[bmdavi3]

Serious question.

Which parts of it aren't true for you?

Have you found that making extra effort to be interested in the other person's ideas / topics / interests, listening carefully, etc. isn't well received?

Or is "nobody wants to hear what you have to say" not true, because you do care what other people have to say, for example? (Obviously that's great if so)

Or something else?

I ask because I started making that kind of effort a couple years ago, slowly but surely, getting better as I went. I didn't tell anybody, but after about a year one friend was like, "you know, you're interested in what we do and you really care. Nobody else does that." And another friend chimed in and agreed. (And I really do care! Sure it's intentional, but it's like eating healthy food, and then you grow to like it)

They were being serious. So if you believe me when I'm telling you this, it has been true for me and those friends.

I also think it's true that most people are oblivious to the extra mental effort that goes into approaching conversations this way, and just leave thinking "finally, someone who gives my ideas the credit and attention they are due. Now if I could just get everyone else to act that way"

And that's fine with me

[kbutler]

For me, it's inaccurate in that I don't really like to talk about myself - especially ad hoc. And some friends really are interested in what's going on in my life (and I need to push myself to share more).

I find are two types of people - talkers and non-talkers. There is significant but not complete overlap with introverts and extroverts, but some introverts are talkers if they can get someone who will actually listen - others won't really talk regardless, and really prefer to let the other person carry the conversation (or companionable silence, or end the conversation).

Conversation skills differ depending on the pairing - but everyone appreciates someone who listens to understand, not just waits while thinking about what they will say next.

Talker with another talker - listen, ask occasional questions, and give the other person lots of chances to talk. Reduce how much you share.

Talker with a non-talker: Also listen, ask occasional questions, but don't expect too much response - but keep trying to draw out more & find things the other person wants to talk about. Be willing to carry more than your half of the conversation, but that comes naturally, so be careful not to dominate.

Non-talker with a talker: The talkers will love you if you listen! Be attentive, follow along, give verbal and non-verbal acknowledgements and reactions, ask questions, push yourself to share more and "hold up your end of the conversation".

Non-talker with another non-talker. This is rough. You have to pretend you're a talker and carry more than half the conversation. Share more. Work harder to get questions and listen, consider, and ask follow-up questions. It can be really helpful to have questions and topics prepared in advance (good conversation doesn't have to be extemporaneous).

[Talanes]

Right? My conversation problems all stem from my own dislike of talking about myself.

[thejohnconway]

I think this is a misunderstanding of the advice. I don’t particularly like talking about my life because I live it, and it’s mostly pretty boring. But I do like discussing certain topics. The advice is to find what the other person like discussing, and discuss it in a way that makes them feel you are listening to their point of view.

Personally I don’t think I’ve ever really failed when I use this approach. You can go in with something as direct as, “so, what topic would you like to talk about?” And more often than not have a good conversation.

[chillfox]

Even more reason to let the other person talk about themself if they enjoy it.

If both of you dislike talking about yourselves then try to explain something about a subject that you find interesting.

Edit: I want to add that not liking something does not mean you can't be good at it.

[nl]

Which part isn't true for you?