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I really don't know where to start, so I'll jump right in. In reading your post, I think you've hit the nail on the head; you're not happy. My advice is to find a professional that can safely help you pursue happiness. Just out of curiosity and a potential starting point, when was the last time you were happy? Also, boarding school sounds like a significant and possibly traumatic incident in your life (did you have mixed feelings about going to boarding school?). I'll also throw out there that your sexual fantasies, so long as they don't hurt another person and you have a willing participant aren't bad...after all, to each their own. Remember, sex should be gratifying. If you feel nothing or worse when you are done, or shortly thereafter, and are escalating the behaviors to "feel something", you should probably stop the acts and tell a professional. With regard to your situation as a founder of a startup with employees and investors, if you can't do the job or fear you can fly off the handle at any time, you need to be an adult and do the right thing (which could be at a great personal cost). That could mean selling your piece, bringing in someone else, going on leave, whatever. But, you have taken several steps to reach out on your own behalf and you should at least make the same attempts to safeguard the money / livelihood of those who have helped you get where you are today. That doesn't mean you have to tell them what's going on, but you still have to take action. My advice to you is figure out what makes you happy. It's way harder than it sounds, so start small. Do you have a hobby that brings you joy? Something from your childhood you haven't done in a long time, but made you happy back then? Have you ever tried helping a complete stranger? Start doing 1 thing a day until you find something that makes you feel better and run with that (make sure whatever you try is positive). I hope we see a post from you in the future that tells us how much better you are doing. And remember, just because you've spent your whole life trying to get to where you are, if it doesn't make you happy --you're better off making a change. |