[4ggr0]

There's no point to the story below. I never meet people with ADHD, and I just felt like writing about my experience. To summarize, I know that I have ADHD, but I don't know what to do with that information. It's either, take that pill and turn into a robot, or don't take the pill and continue living an unorganized, chaotic life. I'm only 22, don't know at what point I'm supposed to figure out what life is and how it works :D Got a job, GF and my own (rented) apartment, if that's it then I want to be a kid again. God damn, can't even summarize without writing a wall of text...

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In the end of 2019, YouTube randomly recommended a video to me, in which a guy talked about his experiences of growing up with ADHD. I never thought that I had it, but what he said resonated with me so strongly that it scared me. At about the same time, my GFs younger brother was diagnosed with ADHD. Started reading more about it, because my knowledge at that point was "kids who can't keep still".

A book which particularly shocked me back then was "ADD stole my car keys" by Rick Green. It felt like reading my own diary, it was very creepy.

So I started wondering if I had it. Talked about it to my doctor and he recommended a specialists who diagnoses ADHD. So I went there, and after months of questionnaires, tests etc. I got the confirmation which said, that I indeed had ADD.

After that, there was a time period where I was able to live with ADD and actually start organizing my life etc. Then Corona hit, I was fired (got a new, better job, no worries) and it kinda reset my progress.

Now the critical thing was the medication. It seemed to work, but in a way I didn't completely like. I was able to focus more, and my emotions were in check. But I wasn't hungry, it made me apathetic and my creativity went away. Granted, my job does not require creativity, but it feels weird to take a pill, which sole purpose is to make me compatible with the capitalistic world we live in. I was able to work, but my personality was lost while being on meds.

[heimatau]

First, I really appreciate that you're opening up about your life. It's not easy to do, even with strangers on the web.

> It's either, take that pill and turn into a robot, or...

Might I suggest you think of it this way: Take that pill and realize my enlightened self or try to love myself in spite of my chemical imbalance in the brain.

> can't even summarize without writing a wall of text...

Although I'm not currently taking my advice here. Might I suggest that if you JOURNAL your personal thoughts, it's really helpful to realizing what you're trying to say to yourself. There is nothing wrong with a wall of text, even for summaries. I found that journaling was a great way for 'someone to listen to my random rapid thoughts'. (Note: This doesn't need to be everyday, nor some big burden. Just do it as often as you think about it and for as long as you desire in any given moment :D This will pay dividends for your awareness in just a few months of sporadic posts, even without the meds)

> But I wasn't hungry, it made me apathetic and my creativity went away.

Hmm. I'd suggest you try a different medication. There are multiple meds that help with this. (spelling probably wrong) Modfinil, Adderall, Vyvanse, Ritalin, Dexadrine, etc

I've tried them all and honestly, if I was able to, I'd want a few different meds, at different dosages because I know it would be a better combination for me than just one med. Ritalin is a non-starter for me, the side effects are too serious. Vyvanse and Modfinil were 'gentle' but not aggressive enough on my symptoms (no side effects but maxing out the dosage still felt too little of a positive effect on me). Dexadrine worked with another med I was taking (prozac) but I wouldn't 'get things' done as efficient. Then I changed my other med to Wellbutrin (a better depression med, imho, super cheap too) and Adderall worked perfectly in concert with it (this is now affordable for out of pocket care in the USA). [Note: This is my personal experience. This paragraph is over 2 years of trial and error. Some things worked for a few months but didn't actually work, after some introspection. Try things and be aware of what's happening to your body. My situation is unique to me, yours will be different but try to understand your situation better]

Finding the right meds, for your unique biochemical makeup, is a very large task. Most doctors aren't as detailed and provide a Bespoke service. Try to give yourself a Bespoke level of care. Do it with the counsel of a doctor, many doctors will be okay with this because you're under their care and they tend to only put in the level of effort that you request. So, talk with them and try to find something better for yourself. It make take years but realize, being on some meds, you're learning about yourself and you're making progress on what you want (not what capitalism demands).

[4ggr0]

> It's not easy to do, even with strangers on the web

Sometimes I get a good feeling, and this comment section gave me one :) Seems like the place to write about ADHD.

> Take that pill and realize my enlightened self or try to love myself in spite of my chemical imbalance in the brain

That's actually a good quote, thanks for coming up with it :)

> JOURNAL your personal thoughts, it's really helpful to realizing what you're trying to say to yourself

That's such a good point. Lots of times I spend months thinking about stuff, but rarely come to a conclusion. Sometimes gets to a point where I think so much about something, that it starts to pull me down mentally. But everytime I write these thoughts down, most of the times because I stumble upon a comment which talks about the same topic, I feel like it allows me to summarize these thougts and understand them fully. Somehow I only noticed this now, with you telling me that a journal could help. So thanks again, I should probably start writing a journal, after all, I liked writing stories as a child.

> I'd suggest you try a different medication

I probably should, yes. Funnily enough, I (illegally) self-medicated with Modafinil, a year before I even suspected that I had ADHD. I was just always tired with no motivation, Modafinil helped quite a bit. But it's not an official medicine in Switzerland, so I ordered it over the internet. Obviously that's a terrible solution, so I stopped after 2 blisters.

The official med they gave me was Concerta, which is basically Ritalin for adults in Switzerland.

I spend like 99% of my time on the internet on US-centric platforms. When I informed myself about ADHD, I exclusively read from US sources, Russell Barkley as an example. Now the annoying thing - Adderall, as an example, is just not prescribed in Switzerland. You can only get it in very rare occasions, or if you migrate from the US. Lots of times when I talk about meds or ADHD-theories with my doctor, they either don't exist here or they have another name, which makes that whole ordeal a bit complicated.

I should call my doctor to renew my Concerta prescription. That's another thing, the prescription has to be renewed constantly, but with 'rona you can only get appointments for urgencies. Plus, at the pharmacy I get treated like a drug addict. Last time I tried to pick it up, the prescription expired like a week before. I didn't know that, because the prescription is stored at the pharmacy. The pharmacist then decided to look at me very sincerely and state with a loud voice, that he "can't just give Concerta with an expired prescription, we are talking about extremely strong narcotics here." Was really nice of her, especially because everyone in that pharmacy was able to hear, that this young man over there consumes "extremely strong narcotics". Got some weird looks after that. They also constantly treated me like they suspected that I was only getting them to resell them, had to justify me picking them up both times I went there.

I guess, overall the experience I had with meds was just unsatisfactory. Should probably just try out a different pharmacy, the last experience demotivated me so much that I just completely gave up on meds.

Well anyways, thanks for reading my TED talk, and many thanks for your great tips :)

[thestephen]

Consider trying elvanse / vyvanse.

While concerta did help in some sense, I had the same side effects as you. In my experience, Elvanse feels more like it "cures" my ADHD while retaining my personality and creativity. Oh, and (almost) no side effects!

[4ggr0]

I've wanted to try that, yeah. Heard a lot of good stuff about it :) I'll have to check that out with my doc, thanks for the recommendation!