[mulmen]

When I visited Taiwan a few years ago I really came to appreciate the tradition of refilling the glass(es) of your companions before your own. Want more tea? Top someone else off first. Same with beer in their comically small glasses.

It’s a much more intimate experience and we formed relationships with people without even being able to speak at a conversational level.

[mrslave]

I like your point. However one thing I severely dislike about East Asian meal & drink culture is the implication that drinking alone - simply sipping your drink while enjoying the meal & conversation - means you are not enjoying yourself, and possibly also insulting the host.

This means that every time you want to sip your drink you have to entertain this needless protocol: identify someone around the table - preferably someone you have yet to drink with - say cheers (translation required), and sometimes drink all of the 60 mL cup at once. You should also keep a checklist of who you have and haven't drunk with. The more political, the greater the need to move around the table at random intervals, shake hands, and drink. This is a demonstration often devoid of meaning.

If it's a real party it can be fun to bottoms-up all the drinks. For a more relaxed meal & conversation setting (my preference), as an outsider this is uncomfortable. It ruins the slow enjoyment of expensive alcohol. Why can't I sip my own damn drink with my meal?!

Also as someone who drinks a lot less as I get older, I lately find myself not drinking at all at these events, because there is no middle ground.

[andrewem]

Your comment made me think of this essay “How to Survive as a Woman at a Chinese Banquet” https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/30/opinion/sunday/women-chin...

[mulmen]

Yeah, I was definitely hanging out with a different crowd.

[tasogare]

I think you overthink the whole thing. I’ve eaten a lot of meals in some of those countries (I live in East-Asia) and I’ve never felt I had to follow such protocol, to the extent they exists at all. The situation may be different in formal setting in China if the internet is to be trusted but besides it really seems like thinking too much after reading a few blogposts. Especially as foreigners we are not bound to every little protocolar details and it would even be strange to be a try-harder.

[mulmen]

It sounds like you have more experience with these things but what you are describing is not consistent with my experience.

It was totally acceptable to sip a drink. If I was empty and needed a refill I would simply take the shared container (650ml beer bottle, tea pot, etc.) and first refill someone or everyone’s drink, empty or not. Essentially the personal containers were bottomless.

I never felt an obligation to refill a specific person’s drink. But that situation never really came up because everyone eventually is the person initiating the refills.

It’s possible I was offending a lot of people. In fact it is likely. They were certainly generous enough to not say so however.

[im3w1l]

One thing I've noticed is that it can take just a few 'reserved' people, to make everyone start second guessing themselves. So I think there is some value in having some spaces and gatherings where it's mandatory to be open.