[sjg007]

You are not the only one and you are not alone. It is not too late and you are worth it!

It sounds like you had a difficult and traumatic past. My parents never beat me but they weren't there emotionally for me and they themselves were emotionally immature (and in some sense still are). They stayed together for us kids and that was a disaster. I am still dealing with the fallout. But as kids we are highly perceptive and learn coping skills to manage in an environment we have little control over. We take these skills through our lives even when they no longer serve a purpose or help us thrive.

In general, it is our thoughts that create our mood. I suggest reading the book Feeling Great by David Burns MD or his older book Feeling Good. He also has a podcast. That's what some people call bibliotherapy and then well podcastherapy. https://feelinggood.com/category/dr-davids-blogs/feeling-goo... If you can find a therapist I would go see one. Schools usually have one available. Others have sliding scales. Focus on specific issues you have and take it one day at a time. The patterns in the mind are quite consistent and common so just as you trust a doctor to heal a broken bone you should trust the professionals to help you through challenging times and give you tools for the future.

We measure ourselves based on years and often lose sight of that it is the days that build us. And these days are built on hours. Start small.

Your CS education will help you and if you enjoy it and programming then you will go far. Education is the most powerful force we have to improve our lot in life. You don't have to be perfect. There are plenty of folks who failed out of high school, got a GED and then eventually went to medical school and even graduate school. Like the stock market past performance is not a predictor of future success.