[_fggd]

hmmm... if I had to guess its probably because I like taking apart things and figuring out how things work and exploiting them. And I know what you're gonna say, why not try ethical hacking. Trust me I have tried time and time again to do ctfs etc on hackthebox. The difficulty isnt as much of a problem as getting myself to do that as i cant find the motivation, probably because there's no clear end goal? I also tend to get more validation from people when I publish a complex program etc. in the blackhat types of communities. Whenever I have made legal projects in the past its been kind of a "oh thats cool" and then back to regular conversation. But when I create these other projects im praised for my work. I can't tell if im just being a teenager, or if this is a more lifelong red flag.

[exolymph]

I think you need to accept that your own momentary satisfaction / alleviation of boredom doesn't outweigh the harm done to victims of crime. You'll be tempted to rationalize it, but you shouldn't. Instead, learn to live with discomfort. This should help: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wdsJayLhnM