[jfarmer]

There's something about lists like this that bother me. I know it shouldn't -- it's meant to be light and humorous. I think what bothers me is that the person she describes is really, godawful boring.

The line that stands out for me: "If you want to understand your boyfriend, understand computers. It’s not that difficult."

I...I just don't know. I'm an engineer at an early-stage startup and computers are a big part of my life, but I certainly hope they're not the best way for my girlfriend to understand me.

I'm not ribbing the article. It's cute. But when I read it I cringe and maybe worry a little bit that I actually am like that.

I'd also feel terrible if I treated my girlfriend like that.

[philh]

I agree. I've never had a girlfriend or worked at a startup, but I hope I'd be mature enough not to care if she used Windows, had an obsolete/nonexistent gaget collection and was happy working in a cubicle. And that I'd understand her well enough to be able to show my affection in ways that meant something to her, rather than requiring her to understand that it means something to me.

[akd]

How many people have you teased for being technologically inferior, such as writing "u" instead of you or accidentally installing Gator? When you rip into other people for doing this, even if not directly towards your girlfriend, she sees that and probably starts feeling self-conscious if she is a technological dunce too.

[xlnt]

u "you" users r !(technologically superior).

use of English != technological status

[iron_ball]

use of English == intellectual status.

[iron_ball]

Fine. use of native language == intellectual status. And if you disagree with me there, I'd like to know why.

[aaronblohowiak]

I agree that clarity of language may reflect clarity of thought. There are many reasons to "play dumb", from fitting in to intentional deception.

[tdavis]

...and maybe worry a little bit that I actually am like that

So? No where in the article do I see her complaining about anything. I am an "engineer" at a startup as well, and I have never treated a girlfriend poorly. She wouldn't skip work to spend time with you and you can't either. The difference is you work far longer and less set hours than she does. When you're building or running a business you have to be realize that there are people in that relationship that are counting on you, likely for their livelihood. Due to this fact, "dates" become less important than keeping the website up because missing a date doesn't cost you hundreds or thousands of dollars -- and it keeps the people you work with from becoming frustrated or angry by your lack of proper priorities.

I exhibit many of the tendencies she describes in the article, albeit toned down to a less extreme level (I would never do an SEO campaign for a gf's birthday site (or make said site), for example). Saying "If you want to understand your boyfriend, understand computers" is accurate so long as you take it to mean, to understand what he talks about if you ask about work or what's causing stress, etc. In previous relationships, sometimes the woman took a genuine interest in what I did, wanted to learn a bit about it, etc. Others would just affectionately tell me I'm "such a nerd" and tell me to come back to bed. Either way, it requires understanding on their part.

As for being boring, I can honestly say I've never had a boring relationship. Just because she works at a bank doesn't mean she's boring, just like coding doesn't make you boring. It's what you do with the time you're together that matters. In general, it's what you do when you're not working that makes life exciting and adventurous. Your profession should have nothing to do with that (unless you're an international assassin or something, then it's always exciting). An old friend of mine, who barely ever uses his computer, has routinely been described by his girlfriends as an extremely boring person. He doesn't like going out and would prefer to just lounge around his apartment all day and play video games or watch TV, regardless of whether or not his girlfriend is there. I have never once been with a woman and said "lets just sit around and you can watch me play this game." You're making assumptions based on outdated stereotypes.

Yes, in general "we" are highly technical, logical people. We like challenges and taking risks. We hate mediocrity and lose interest in anything as soon as it becomes boring. We can be very passionate, opinionated and headstrong. We have a constant desire to learn and grow in new ways.

Now, what in the hell is bad about that?

[jfarmer]

I read your response and the other thread of replies and all I can think of is this:

since feeling is first / who pays any attention / to the syntax of things / will never wholly kiss you

[staunch]

I intended to upmod ya but clicked down. Stupid touch pad. +1

[wheels]

I agree -- it's another classical example of the, "Advice = Limited Life Experience + Overgeneralization" maxim.

I suppose the thing is that the title "Ways to Deal with a Relationship Between an Archtypical Nerd Working at a Startup and Moderately Nerdy Girlfriend Who Isn't" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

There are lots of other walks of life that require startup-level commitment. People working in those "get it". I think it's harder for someone who has a "normal job" and is trying to cope with being resolved to be a "startup girlfriend" (rather than say, a film director or writer or whatever).