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The first half of this article explains some physiological reasons behind something I've noticed often: the more someone feels defensive and defenseless, the more arrogant they become, and the more hardened they become in their thoughts and opinions, no matter how wrong. So that if someone is worked up enough and feeling cornered emotionally, they will die on the hill that grass is not green if need be. This is why it's especially important for parents and spouses to be kind, calm, rational, patient, and loving at all times. The second half has valuable advice for more than just spouses, although it's mostly talking about divorce. But also employee/employer relationships, friendships, and any other type: if you are not actually trying to make sure you fully understand the other person's position, you are working against unity with them. But I have to disagree with the article's final word of advice: > Spend less effort trying to control your partner's thinking and more trying to understand and appreciate differences in your perspectives. Not that this is wrong, but that there's another step after it which must carefully be practiced: when you know for sure that you're right, and that the other person is objectively wrong in this situation, it's important to stand firm on what you must do, and not waver. All without losing kindness, compassion, patience, an attentive ear and everything else the article mentions. St. Edith Stein once said something like without truth, there is no charity, and without charity, there is no truth. I see time and time again people make this very simple mistake: forfeit truth in order to preserve charity. But the two are not incompatible and never can be. A person will say, "well in order to be accepting to this person, I must be willing to accept that maybe they are correct and I am incorrect," and they will stray from their objective certainty. That's why I'm not a fan of the quote in this article, "Certainty itself is an emotional state, not an intellectual one." It either states or strongly implies that there is no objective truth, depending on the author's meaning. But there is objective truth, truth that is true no matter if nobody is alive to perceive it or not. And when we stray from that truth, we abandon our only hope of helping people out of their own self-deceit and delusions. I have seen many people join in the delusions of others in order to comfort them or calm them down or give them hope in a false reality. This is not truly charitable behavior. True charity, true selfless and sacrificial love for another, always wants to help them out of their self-destruction, which always comes from self-deceit. And this requires that we remain in the truth. A tree cannot help birds of the air if it uproots itself and tries to follow them, it needs to stand firmly planted. |
Both spouses and parents are human and being like that all the time is not possible.
Dealing with someone you just described, arrogant and defensive focused on being right is highly stressful and tiring. Loved one being constantly arrogant to you lowers you self esteem and your self perception too. At some point, ressentment over conceding yet another hill while being nice and calm while getting arrogance thrown at you boils over.
Or it all turns onto one sided abusive relationship if you fail to set boundaries. You can't have one sided good relationship.