[beardedetim]

These differences between culture A and B are something me and the Wife have been talking about for years. They are mostly in the B group and I in the A. I'm glad that others are seeing the distinction and starting conversations about it.

I found the language the author used to describe each interesting. The "masculine"/"feminine" dichotomy seems to cause those in group B to take offense, in my experience, due to the "cultural norm to think masculine is strong/good and feminine is weak/bad". I like the "bro"/"inclusive" dichotomy because the "bro culture" is now a short-hand for "toxic" so those in group B feel "superior" (_such a bad word but not enough coffee yet_) and are then able to have a discussion about the dichotomy itself.

Something the Wife and I have butted heads against and something I had wished the author would have spent more time on was the dolling out of "responsibility points" during a disagreement. I, in group A, think that as long as I'm not saying "I will hurt you", I can _say_ whatever the fuck I want and you just need to get over it. I think this is how _everyone_ feels, even those in group B, but group A is just open about it. The Wife, however, feels that I should be responsible for what I say that isn't a part of the "group thing" (_once again, an emotional word to get my point across but a tad too far, I know_).

Example: If I say "I dislike your shoes", the Wife has _every right_ to be upset. However, I should not be held accountable/be given "responsibility points" for that. It's on them for being hurt by me not liking their shoes.

Just because I said something that hurt someone's feelings doesn't mean I'm _responsible_ for their feelings. If that is the case, what is stopping _any_ of us saying "You not giving me everything I want hurts me"? If _emotions_ are the end-all, be-all of importance, isn't being emotional until you get your way the ultimate strategy?

I am rambling now. Great article, timely reading for myself. Hope to see more conversation about this and to learn how I can be a better ally to culture B without having to give me my own desires/ideologies in culture A.

[jdashg]

While you have every right to think someone's shoes are bad, you are not always free to express this thought carelessly with no regard for others. In more common words, you're free to express your opinion, but you're absolutely not free from the consequences of expressing it, and it's unreasonable to expect no consequences ever.

It's a balancing act of reasonability, and some people are indeed bad actors. Like people walking past eachother on the sidewalk, some people are (unreasonably) upset when not everyone gets out of their way. While we're responsible for making reasonable (but not absolute) effort not to bump into eachother, "reasonable" is socially determined. It can feel unsatisfactory without a game-proof absolute rule, but it really does work.

[kamikaz1k]

This is an extremely important topic to which I had been given far too much useless or unrelatable advice for a very long time. I think in the language of the OP the goal of relationship partners, should be to strive towards the top right corner of that map, to become coordinators.

Like yourself, I have a partner that is a different culture than myself; I leaning towards A, and them to B.

It was a constant source of bickering for us because I'd never be able to express myself fully without affecting her negatively. Being too considered in my speech, would keep them calm but would leave me dissatisfied, which would make the next one worse. During fights, only after being sufficiently emotionally exhausted we'd come to accept each other's "incorrect" perspective and move on. We share a lot of values, so that isn't hard and we were quite happy on the whole.

There was a point about a year ago where some acute external stress started to weigh down on us, and we were increasingly getting worse at resolving those arguments. I tried to take their feedback at face value, by trying to be accommodating of their stated needs. But that too failed miserably. In fact I was now being similarly emotionally devastated, for things that usually would be a quick quarrel. Because of all the extra emotional work I was trying to do, and didn't have the stamina for.

We recognized it was a deteriorating condition, so somehow my partner brought up the idea of going through The 5 Love Languages book. Neither of us had read it before, but the audiobook was on YouTube, so it couldn't hurt. Long story "short", that book has revolutionized the way we communicate. It was night and day difference within a week, and we haven't been happier.

My key takeaway from the book wasn't that we were different cultures (while that is still true). It was that there are some very simple but powerful techniques, that allow you and your partner to store much more emotional energy in your reservoir (book calls it "love tank") so communication mismatches can be handled much more gracefully. In the end, we can approach disagreements in either style, depending on subject.