[rateofchange]

> I'm not sure why the patient can't make their own decisions, but I don't have all the facts.

She is older (85+) and not equipped to navigate the more complex aspects of this.

This is also where the quality of life part becomes far more significant. At this age...given the likely prospects...it might make more sense to go for quality of life and make good memories during whatever time might remain than anything else. These are difficult topics to discuss and even more difficult options to consider because it isn't all about making purely analytical decisions.

The current guidance is a six week course of chemo followed by an evaluation of outcomes to support further actions.

[brudgers]

I talked with my beloved outlining what you've described. Nearly all stage four chemo-therapy is palliative. It is a tradeoff between symptoms of the disease and side-effects of the chemo chemicals. The advice was to try chemo and see how it goes, if the side-effects are too much then stop. There's no reason to complete a palliative treatment that's not palliative. The goal of the treatment is to reduce the tumor burden on the patient.

My advice from years of living with someone who helps people going through what you and those around you are going through:

1. Bring in hospice as soon as the patient qualifies. Helping people through the dying process is what they do everyday. There's counseling for the patient, the care-givers, and other family members. Before during and after. There are also chaplin services. And of course nursing.

2. Right now all the healthcare protocols are new and conservative due to Covid-19. Hospice will have the best grasp on what institutionalization of the patient will entail, how to navigate the new reality should institutionalization happen, and how best to avoid it under the current circumstances.

3. There is unlikely to be a sudden shift in family dynamics in terms of relationships. If people have always been close, that's probably the way it will stay. If people have always been unhappy with each other, plans should presume that that's the way it will stay...this probably won't suddenly fix tense relationships.

There is an analytic view, but it is difficult to accept and feels rude to articulate. Yet, we all know that life only lasts not long enough. And making the most of the not long enough is entirely rational.

Again, I sorry you are going through this and hope it all goes as peacefully as it can.