[pistachiopro]

This post did not reach the conclusion I was expecting based on the title. For me, I think I've largely experienced the opposite relationship between ego and my programming productivity.

Learning to program as a kid was probably one of the most exciting developments in my life up to that point, and I expect that's true for many people on this forum. I originally attributed this to programming's usefulness, and the mathematical beauty of watching all the pieces fall into place when solving a problem. And those were surely both important motivators, but, looking back, the primary motivator was the pure power trip of it. Programming is extremely powerful (software is eating the world, after all), and I could immediately sense that, and that power was the biggest high I got from it.

Throughout my teens and twenties, I didn't really consider this, and just followed the high, and it led me to develop skills and a successful career as a programmer. For me, it was a positive feedback loop, where the more I put into programming, the better I got, and the bigger the ego boost. Unfortunately, though unsurprisingly, it got to a point where my inflated ego started getting in the way of my personal relationships, and even my self perception. I considered myself a great programmer, but not a very good person. I became quite self-loathing for many years, but I've noticed that's healed up after moving away from programming as a primary job responsibility, and my personal relationships have benefited, too.

I still love programming for the beauty of it, and I still dive into little personal programming projects a few times a year. Part of me wishes I did so more often, but I'm held back because the only way I've found to get through a project of any duration longer than a few days is to basically develop delusions of grandeur about it. Programming is fun and beautiful, but very hard, too, and somehow without the promise of the conference talk, or the influential git repo coming out of it, there's just too much friction. So, more often than not, these days, I simply don't bother. I guess with my current middle-aged testosterone levels, I'd rather keep my family and friends than be king of the world.

(That said, if anyone out there finds this relatable, but has been able to push through and develop a healthier, less ego-reliant, relationship with programming, I'd live to hear about it!)

[andrewedstrom]

This really resonated with me.

Before getting into programming, I was a somewhat accomplished guitar player. By the time I was 20, I had played in a bunch of bands, recorded several albums, and gone on tour. As a result of these early successes, I developed a big ego about myself as a musician.

I realize now that the main thing driving my musical career was that ego. I enjoyed playing, but getting better at my craft was not my primary driver. Instead, it was that I wanted to be famous and rich and noteworthy and desirable. For me, playing guitar was inexorably linked with becoming a certain kind of person and gaining status.

Now any time I pick the guitar back up for more than a day or two, I quickly get lost in delusions of grandeur. I start thinking about how I'm going to change my whole lifestyle to "be a great guitar player" and playing itself takes the back seat to fantasizing about gaining power and status. Try as I might I can't just casually play guitar for its own sake—kind of like how you have trouble programming without the promise of a conference talk or an influential git repo coming out of it.

For me the solution has been to avoid playing music, and to focus on programming (and my family/friends) instead. I think the groove of ego I carved out as a guitarist is just too deep to allow me a healthier relationship to music. As a programmer, I don't have that same narcissistic false-self to live up to. I just enjoy it and want to get better because it's fun.

Maybe the solution for you could be to take up a creative pursuit other than programming?

[flanker]

I feel that to be something that resonates with me. I started as self thought freelancer loved the symphony of creation and the end product you make. Then I got myself a job I had sucha enthusiasm and thirst for knowledge, I would go above and beyond. Then I burned out, the cycle has repeated couple of times now forcing me to take breaks in 7-8months. One thing I realised I still love creating stuff, but it's all too painful to do it for someone else. The major contributor to it is constantly changing of requirements, sometimes goals altogether scrapping of projects you put lot of brain power in and finally sometimes fighting against the tide. I have experienced people who are just there in the middle management adding unnecessary layer of red tape and doing anything to survive. I feel I'm done with it. I have picked some other stuff, currently searching for something other than a programming job, it's a risk because majority of my work has been programming, other than a failed startup. But I think I will take the risk of exploring.

[croh]

Software developer jobs pay so well, many programmers don't know what to do other than that. I feel need of disengagement with laptop so many times but damn I don't know any other thing to pay bills. Also there is always fear of losing track of new tech and being jobless.

[yumaikas]

So, I've not really had that set of things, but when I went through a phase of working in fast food, that was helpful for helping me disentangle who I was from my ability to work as a software developer.

I suspect that sort of thing won't be much help to you, however, because for me, my motivations have been relational more than power-based.

That, and I find enough joy from programming just from the utility of things I've worked on, rather than needing it to be a vehicle for influence.

Still, I'm very interested to see where things go for you.