[peterangular]

...And with abuse patterns a lot of us had that ingrained at a super young age as a control lever our parents/guardians installed.

I think a hard part of this is that people commonly abuse these mechanisms for control in social structures. I grew up with it, I experienced it in school, I've experienced it in relationships, and I've experienced it professionally.

In so many ways it's human social nature to subvert each other and I think that's why so many of us get attached to those concepts. It's really hard to not get bitter and still let the good in =(

[aaron_seattle]

That sounds really rough man, I'm sorry to hear that. I too have struggled with being on the receiving end of other people's power trips. My curiosity on "what's really happening here, at the level of the brain" lead to some interesting reads.

Chimpanzee behavior: when a higher ranked member is smacking and harassing a lower ranked one -- the higher ranked one is literally experiencing a rise in serotonin. Their dominance becomes a self-soothing behavior that relaxes them, makes them want to repeat the behavior. It's not hard to extrapolate this "very mammalian script" into whatever workplace situation where your counterparts are just lesser skilled at valuing the well-being of those around them.

I think part of the paradox here is your counterpart can both "be a huge asshole" and also just be a mostly helpless automaton of their own harmful behavior, applying a lack of critical thought or self-reflection about their own impulses and tendencies. It's not that you're trying to reframe the situation into one where you are better than them, or that you pity them. Rather, it's just to recognize the sharp qualitative differences between the state of their mind, and yours.

The Aurelius quotes: "The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury."

and (more dramatic than appropriate here, but all the same): "Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness – all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil." -- i.e. of course these default behaviors are a starting feature of the human animal.

I wrote a lengthier reply here, it may give you a possibly new way to reframe things:

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=23093457

[nicoburns]

I'd try not to read too much into chimpanzee behaviour. While they're genetically the most similar to humans, they have quite different behavioural patterns. IMO Orangutans are much more similar to humans behaviourally.

[dbancajas]

So sorry to hear this man. Do you have examples? I'm trying to learn to recognize if it exists in my current social relationships.

[nyanpasu64]

https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/ is a support community for people who have experienced childhood abuse. It might be helpful for looking for examples.

From my personal experience, I've had:

- conditional parental approval based on performance - teacher: "do what i say because i'm authority, I don't have to explain" - More I can't remember or don't feel is relevant