[ddfisher]

"E.g. args.length returns 0, and they try to access the first element in the list (due to heritage from c pointers we start counting at 0) which is the 'zeroth' one, which doesn't exist"

I'm not sure if you're making some subtle point here that I'm missing, but it is not the case that any of the elements of array will be accessed by that code if args.length is 0. If args.length is 0, then the exit condition (which is evaluated before entering the loop body for the first time) will be false, and the loop body will not be executed at all.