[hestipod]

I feel trapped by this because I cannot count on others to make the best decision..or right decision ethically and for decency...seems they choose to make the best for THEM at my expense. My life was ruined by medical errors. I was told to "trust the professionals" and when I did they damaged me and took from me, then the systems and people meant to help when that happens refused. Family bailed. Years and years of this culminated in a suicide attempt recently that failed due to intervention, and those same professionals and family ignored my documented wishes to be let go and "saved" me into a worse situation with even more needs and less to no help. They don't care about me at all...just the best decision for THEIR feelings.

I'd love to live...have wanted to the entire time...but people can only take so much. I had one great chance a couple years ago, only one in all this time, and more health issues and my fear of suffering more caused me to lose that. There isn't enough help...people just take more and ignore and throw platitudes. What all of this life has taught me is 99% of people are in it entirely for themselves and how I lived and what I believed in was naive and stupid. So the best decision for me now is to get out of this shit world but I am not even allowed to do that. Just more nonsense and symptom covering...never root cause solutions. There is no lifeline...no support...just rationalization and calculus devaluing my life. "Best decisions".

[carapace]

This forum probably isn't the best place to ask for help, but I'll try:

Suicide isn't the answer. As long as you're breathing there's hope.

And yeah, 99% of everything is crap, including, unfortunately, most people. But the stuff and people that aren't crap are worth the slog, even if it doesn't seem like it now.

Also, you're going to die anyway, it's the one thing the Universe gives you for free, the moment you're born. In the meantime, you've got an entire human life to use: you can think, talk, move around a little (I'm guessing), eh? Sure, it's painful and dirty and there's always some kind of snot or ooze involved in everything, goddamnit, but it's still a crazy cool thing to be. hang in there! You're worth it!

[hestipod]

I am not asking for help. There is no "right place to ask for help". It's been made clear over 15 years that won't happen. Not the help I need. I am venting when a relevant topic comes up.

"Suicide isn't the answer" is the sort of platitude I mean. It is an answer. It solves the problems I am suffering. I am so tired of people who haven't slogged anywhere near as painfully and as long as I have telling me what is worth it or what I HAVE to do. People who don't understand at all what it's like or try and relate their relatively smaller issues or survivable resources and health to "knowing suffering". Everything you have said is to reinforce your own beliefs and comforts. It doesn't help me at all. Lest I sound ungrateful...I appreciate people trying...but it doesn't work or help and people and systems won't do what is required. My country has decided social systems are bad and wrong and denied me that assistance and Maslow's basic needs. I know I am worth it. I didn't cause any of this. I am a victim and that's a dirty word. Being angry about it is "wrong". Nobody arrives where I am because they have choices. It's a last desperate jump so the fire doesn't burn you up...even though you know you will fall and splat...to paraphrase DFW.

I'm happy to take the help to live...it's not there. It's "entitled" of me. It's me not "trying hard enough" whilst I am burning up. Everyone for themselves with the exception of a tiny few...and I've not had enough of those people in my life since this happened to me.

[Tarsul]

I can't say I understand your condition or your suffering. I can only say that I empathize (I know you can't buy anything for it). I think you writing and talking about it is the right approach. Maybe you can do it some more (via a blog or facebook or whatever) - you will probably get a lot of feedback that you don't like. But hey, feedback means that at least there is some interest in your life from other people. That means something, even if it doesn't change your circumstances. However, maybe someone can give you some pointers (e.g. certain organizations that help) that can be the start of something better. Anyway, talking (or communicating) is better than suffering in silence. That way you can let your emotions out :)

[hestipod]

Unfortunately changing my circumstances is the only thing that matters and could save me. Just being heard and my feelings validated isn't enough. But for some human emotional reason I am screaming out all the way to the impact.

[jl2718]

People are scared. It looks a lot like selfishness, but it’s not. Lots of people in this forum read your words and want to help but they’re scared. What if they make it worse? The more they care, the more scared they are, the more selfish they look. I guarantee that there are people out there that feel just as bad as you, and you can make them feel better too, if you’re not too scared to help.

[hestipod]

I guess I just feel hopeless because I cannot manage things on my own anymore, like I used to when life was good, and I cannot find enough help to survive. I have been failed over and over by systems and people and saying that is used as something being wrong with ME. Admittedly a couple of very rare times I have failed to grab on to a helping hand out of fear and situations making things worse, and I don't know if those things would have worked or not, and those rare instances seem to paint me in an even worse light as someone who is beyond help and NEVER acts or does the right thing even though that isn't true, but mostly there isn't any help. That's why I ended up where I am. People seem to think they would always be capable of finding a way out...I thought so too...the reality is different. I wish I had succeeded in leaving this world because I see no way to survive in it that is accessible to me. I'd be getting social assistance in most first world countries. I am angry, alone, in pain, exhausted, and hopeless...and that annoys and offends and I understand why but it still hurts. Just have no idea what to do...feel adrift and hopeless in a way I never imagined possible.

[jl2718]

It seems to me that your suffering, and maybe all suffering, is quite existential rather than confined to a specific problem that could be solved. You may find that you're in the first stages of an enlightenment, where you realize that nothing can fill the void inside you, and that seems bad. And then maybe you'll see that nothing can bring you happiness, and that's worse. But also nothing can bring you pain, and that's a little better. And so the world around you is not in control, so that's okay, but not quite worth it. But maybe something bigger than the world is in control, and that's scary and hard to believe. But then there must be a reason for you to be here, and that is enough, and all that you'll ever need.

I wouldn't know. I haven't been as far as you on the path.

[hestipod]

I am quite sure SOME people are scared, but I wish they'd try anyway...at least have the discussion of options. In my experience in life most people just don't care, are in it to win it, and others are just pieces on the board.

Yes there are many people as bad or sadly even worse off than me. That doesn't lift or make me feel any better...it makes me feel bad for them and hate the system even more. I also don't have the energy or health to be much of a supporter when I need to be supported. Drowning guy isn't the person to advocate for water safety...he is trying not to go totally under. I do give what I can of myself to a couple close people and it's already too much for me. I am not scared to help...I don't have any resources to help and am sinking myself.