[w4tson]

It’s been both great and terrible to be cooked up in a small flat with my wife and child. I’m always happy to see comments like this. I wonder if there’s a community for the M(o|u|a)ms/Dads of HN

Any tips for communications with partners?

[rukuu001]

What. A. Minefield.

Here's what we're trying

- When she or I are upset, name the emotion at the earliest opportunity, e.g. "Hey, what you said back there hurt me, and I'm kind of embarrassed to be hurt by something like that but that's how I'm feeling right now..."

- This sounds like a bunch of whiny nonsense, but we've both found it takes a lot of heat out of a situation, and avoids a snide or sarcastic comment that might make things worse later. This is the slow-burn kinda situation.

- Sometimes there's no time to think about that and one of us just exclaims in anger or hurt about something. I don't know what to do about that; it just means there's a lot of work to do afterwards.

- Good luck :)

Edit: oh yeah, this assumes you're both ok having a difficult conversation in the first place. If implied criticism is a no-go zone, then... I wish you even more luck :)

[liziwizi]

most important is to come from a place of respect and to talk about the issue, not about the person. it should be about solving the problem together. never about pointing blame.

when i was still stuck in relationships that didn't work, most discussions were always about "who did (or did not do) what and why that was terrible". these days we talk about what problems we face, what we tried, how they didn't work and ask each other advice on how to deal with the situation.

i had to learn to be more humble and own up to my faults (that was hard). i also had to learn to reign in my temper when i was getting frustrated. (that felt impossible, but turns out to be easy when the discussions are not personally directed)

and another thing that has a huge impact on our communication: we validate, compliment or appreciate each others efforts constantly. we talk more about the good stuff than about the bad stuff, and that really makes a difference.

and lastly: allow each other personal space when needed

i know this is not really "new knowledge". every talk or tutorial about communication will tell you similar things. but it is what works for us.

[david_w]

"we talk more about the good stuff than about the bad stuff,"

20:1 minimum good to bad. Minimum. Even one "bad" a week may just be too much.

Also, limit the relative number of times you approach with something that "needs doing". You can't let your relationship turn into mere help-mate-ism.

[MikeTheGreat]

First - this is an amazing comment! Solid, concise, and really highlights the important stuff.

John Gottman has a number of books on this topic and I'd highly recommend them.

[thomk]

Thank you for mentioning John Gottman this looks helpful.

[odysseus]

Three tips that have helped with my wife and I:

1. You can usually recognize when you’ve said something in a tone that you regret. Within a few minutes of saying it, try to preemptively and meaningfully say you’re sorry for that tone.

2. If you’re discussing a topic that one or both of you are very passionate about or that triggers high emotions, each person should stop and write down what the other person is saying. Then repeat back what you understood about what the other person said. This helps both people understand that they are being both listened to and understood, and usually calms everything down. (We’ve only needed to do this 2x in several years of marriage, but it’s been helpful each time.)

3. A tough one, but try not to discuss any hot button topics when one or both of you is tired and/or hungry and/or driving.

Finally, someone else in the thread mentioned high ratios of good/complimentary interactions to bad ones. This is very important. Be grateful for your spouse and show it, every day. This will go a long way toward improving most any relationship.

[a9zz]

It's both joyful and really painful. I have a one year old and we are on 60sqm with no balcony. My wife is pretty far along on the ADHD spectrum, which has its upsides but is definitely NOT conducive to getting any kind of deep work done. We fight often these days if i'm being honest. Luckily we are good at moving past shit

My focus is on embracing our current state as the new normal and trying to be happy and calm amidst all the uncertainty. My son is blisfully unaware of everything and truly a joy to watch.

In reply to op: I'm currently studying (relational) databases.