Ask HN: Love thy co-founder?

[villi]

A few months ago, my best friend and I got a bit of funding and began working on our startup. We've made solid progress on developing the product-- so far so good. Making this progress, however, meant that we spend almost all day every day together, working.

Although we have faith in each other's abilities, have great chemistry and are equally committed to the project, problems still arise. We find ourselves frustrated with each other and often argue over minutiae.

What I'm asking is: How does one stay sane, and not resort to murdering one's co-founder in his/her sleep, in this situation?

For those of you with startup experience, have you become closer with friends after working on a startup with them? Or have your relationships changed for the worse?

[eengstrom]

Your question is too vague and not really answerable with brevity. So I'll give you a piece of general survival advice that worked for me.

Reiterate constantly that the other party is doing good work, you respect them, trust them and everything you indicated above. Also be equally clear in what you need from them to do to avoid making you get crazy. Portray the issues you have with them as issues that are your own; "you know I lose attention span if I don't say something every 2 minutes in a meeting." in lieu of "you talk too much and I can't get a word in edgewise".

If they make you crazy by being flaky, ask them to try and meet basic needs such as contact with you and alternate deadlines. "When do you think it will be ready, best case? Worst?" Most people who are flaky will come in around worst case, because they procrastinate. Just an example.

You're in a high pressure relationship that will undergo an accelerated and constantly changing rate of romance, passion, honeymoon, frustration, fear and mistrust. This is normal; just keep focused on your trust and empathy for your co-founder and be clear on what you need from them.

"I really appreciate your enthusiasm when speaking to investors, and I would like to have a few more opportunities to contribute to a point. Could you please try passing part of the answer off to me in pitching or discussion?" - Whatever it takes.

Manage your co-founder, document your requirements and more than anything, don't stay angry or let an issue lie for more than 15 minutes to cool down.

[maxbrown]

Hmm - how do you stay sane with your spouse/boyfriend or girlfriend? There's always going to be problems... be willing to work through them, and work with someone who is willing to actively work through them with you. Compromise, and your co should as well, and you should increase your odds of success together (or, at least, "staying sane").

[staunch]

1) Spend as much time apart as possible. Don't hang out on the weekends.

2) Let arguments (even vicious ones) roll off you like water off a duck's back. Don't even require an apology. Just chalk it up to expected stress, forget it, and move on.

[mduerksen]

1) Split your work, so that you don't have to be in the same room all day.

2) Do spend time with your co-founder which has nothing to do with your startup. Watch movies, relax, have fun.

3) Have other friends who are totally different.

[petervandijck]

When you both feel like you're doing about 60% of the work, you're good; Aim for that.

Also, you could work separately (from home?) a few days a week, you probably don't need to see each other every day.

[anthony_franco]

Learn to admit when you're wrong. Don't penalize each other for making mistakes. It's okay to take a day off every now and then. Celebrate small victories. Hug it out.

[pzxc]

The key to a great business relationship, like a great personal relationship, is communication.

[Mz]

No cofounder experience but I have two sons that I homeschooled who still live with me in their early twenties. Neither has a job. Due to my health issues, I don't get out much (other than my day job) and am also home a lot. My youngest is an introvert. I learned a long time ago to give him the space he needs. He and I get along well and he likes me because I lovingly leave him alone (which was completely counterintuitive for me when he was little). My oldest and I fairly often go somewhere without my younger son. We get to talk and he gets to be left the hell alone, by god -- which is exactly what he wants sometimes.

When we were still homeschooling, I had a computer in the dining area which was traffic central. I am the most extroverted member of the family and I was fine with frequent interruptions as people passed through on the way to the kitchen/other areas and also came to me to talk about stuff. My oldest had a computer in the corner of the living room behind a folding screen. He was the least introverted of the three folks I lived with at the time (two sons and a husband). He was okay with that, especially after we moved the TV out of the living room and into the master bedroom, thus eliminating the volume wars between his computer and the TV. My youngest had a computer in his bedroom, where he could shut the door and have some peace and quiet.

In other words, our work stations were situated such that they matched our degree of extroversion/introversion: The more introverted the individual, the more secluded and private and locked away their desk/computer area was. The more extroverted they were, the more centrally located, open and accessible their desk/computer area was. We found that the introversion/extroversion thing was a huge source of friction and finding ways to mediate that did wonders for everyone's ability to put up with each other all day long. Other personality differences seem to be easier to get past. This one took more effort than most other differences. Many other differences within the family are very compatible/complementary.

At some point, we all did some online Meyers Briggs Personality Type test (or something very similar). We talked about that a lot -- about how the Judgers in the family felt more need for external structure while the Perceivers were "pilers, not filers" and why this makes the other type crazy. While homeschooling them, I worked a lot on teaching my sons to get along well. These days, they never really fight, though under severe stress they do sometimes snap at each other.

Good luck with this.