[kerkeslager]

Uh, could you point out what part of that article you think supports your claim that "bullshit stories have benefit not just to one side but both sides of the relationship more often than not"? I just read it and didn't see anything that indicated that.

In the past few years I've worked pretty hard on building habits of honesty. Not from an ethical perspective--I'm an atheist and don't see any inherent reason to follow any prescriptive ideology--but from a self-benefit perspective. Cooperation is highly beneficial, moreso perhaps than at any time in history, and honesty allows a deeper level of cooperation with my peers. It's surprisingly difficult, as someone who viewed themselves initially as an already-honest person, but it yields major benefits. In the long term, I'm not even convinced that lying benefits the liar, let alone the person being lied to.

[ysavir]

I just want to "second" this message. It's an attitude I've adopted and has been highly beneficial. It might seem like an uphill battle at first, with plenty of challenges, but ultimately has none of the challenges once the habit is steady. Rather, there are no challenges regarding honesty, because there is only one course of action available.

Some people may respond to it poorly, but I've learned to see this as a test of character. People worth interacting with and investing in will appreciate that honesty. People that don't appreciate it will likely be a source of conflict sooner or later anyway.

Perhaps the only valid "challenge" is learning how to be honest in a productive and beneficial way, but this challenge is distinct from challenges that _result_ from being honest.

[hos234]

Doesn't the pie chart show to make others laugh, to protect others feelings, to maintain social norms, for economic/personal advantage (usually benefits family), to escape harm (again usually benefits your family when you don't get yourself killed while dealing with evil) etc

Both honesty and lying are tools. You choose how you use them. Whether to benefit others or to take advantage of others is a choice you make.

But there will be situations where the tool of honesty wont work, and if you walk into those situations having convinced yourself that lying isn't a tool available, then people who don't think that way will be better prepared than you to handle those situations.

Basically be aware where lies can be used. Don't just dismiss it totally as only useable for evil.

During Hitler's rise people like to point at the Honest folk who stood up against him like Carl Goerdeler, Dietrich Bonhoeffer. But there were people like Wilhelm Canaris who lied day in day out and did all kinds of damage and saved a whole lot of lives.

[kerkeslager]

> Doesn't the pie chart show to make others laugh,

I'd question whether this actually is lying. Lying implies intent to deceive. For a scientific study, it makes sense to include this in the data, but I'm not sure it counts as lying. I'm not sure a priest, rabbi, and imam have ever walked into a bar together, but I'm pretty sure nobody is worried about whether it's true when I say they did.

> to protect others feelings,

As I've pointed out elsewhere, I don't think this actually helps the person being lied to in the long run.

> to maintain social norms,

Is there even an argument that this benefits the person being lied to?

> for economic/personal advantage (usually benefits family),

Doesn't benefit the person being lied to.

> to escape harm (again usually benefits your family when you don't get yourself killed while dealing with evil) etc

Again doesn't benefit the person being lied to. It's also a bit of a stretch to extrapolate "avoidance" from the chart to what you're saying, and I'd argue that the situations where you're lying to evil that might kill you are pretty unusual. I'd absolutely have no qualms lying to Nazis during the Third Reich, but that's not a fact which has any bearing on my life right now.

[blackflame]

Warning: Do not try this advice when your wife asks if the pants make her butt look fat. The benefits of lying have been proven over and over again in this scenario.

[kerkeslager]

That's simply not true in my experience. I suspect you haven't actually tried what you're saying over any significant period of time to make the claim you're making.

You're lying to avoid a conflict which is simply not that large in the grand scheme of a lifelong relationship. If I think pants make her butt look fat, that's not necessarily even a problem: it doesn't mean I'm not attracted to her in those pants, or that you even need to be attracted to her in any specific pants, or that she should even base her clothing choices on your opinions. And in a more general sense, why is she asking questions she doesn't want an answer to? If your relationship can't handle communicating honestly about very minor things like this, you're totally screwed when it comes to real issues, like the changing nature of attraction as you age, or asking for what you need to feel fulfilled in a relationship, or concern for the person's health at their weight. If you can't communicate in a really insignificant situation like this, how are you going to communicate when there's anything of actual significance?

Honesty with kindness is a skill, and it's certainly not trivial, but lying isn't the kinder option, even in this case.

Coming at it from the other side of things: when someone lies to me to spare my feelings, there's a lot of times where I know they're lying, and that means I can't trust them to give me honest feedback when I really don't know. If I can't trust someone to tell me something negative, then I can't trust them when they tell me something positive either.

[taneq]

The correct answer to this is an appreciative "oh yes, yes they do."

[ysavir]

It was probably lying that got you in this situation in the first place.

[kerkeslager]

True.

I'm honest much earlier in relationships about much more significant things, so it's highly unlikely that I'll end up married to someone who couldn't handle honest in this situation.

[blackflame]

But how do you handle people that take offense to honesty?

[kerkeslager]

Well, that's gonna be complicated. The strategies are going to vary by situation. Honest communication is just a hard part of being a human. But it's worth the effort.

For example, with the "yes those pants make your butt look fat" conversation, that's an opportunity to set a boundary that improves your relationship: "Please don't ask me questions you don't want an answer to." Your relationship doesn't have to be a minefield, where she's quizzing you and any wrong answer could turn into a fight--that's not a pattern that's fun for either of you. Your wife probably just wants you to compliment her, so you can tell her that you'll make an effort to verbalize when you like how she looks or something she does. Those compliments will hold more weight, because she'll know that what you're saying is true. A compliment from someone who gives false compliments all the time is meaningless.

Some other general strategies:

1. Consider that I might be wrong, and if I was wrong, apologize. A side effect of being more honest with others is that I end up being more honest with myself as well, and I've often discovered that I believe some wrong things. Particularly with opinions, if you find that being honest about your opinions is offensive to people, consider that your opinions might be the problem, not the honesty. A lot of people who say "I'm just being honest!" when they offend people are actually just assholes. Lying wouldn't make them less assholes, it would just make them secret assholes.

2. Consider that my input wasn't wanted, and if I did that, apologize. A lot of the time the truth can just exist without being said. Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said now? Do I need to be the one to to say it? I'm particularly bad at this, personally.

3. Have a conversation with them about why I said what I said. A lot of times, like with the "yes those pants make your butt look fat" conversation, what the person is actually taking offense to is because they're assuming that what you said has other meaning. Just because I said the pants make her butt look fat doesn't mean that I don't love her, or that I'm not attracted to her, or that I think her butt looking fat is a bad thing. It may be that her negative reaction is because she's assumed one of those things, so clarifying would make her feel more secure.

4. This doesn't trivially apply to you wife, but in some cases, you can just stop wasting energy on the person. You can't please everyone, so don't try. If someone wants you to lie to them, that means they don't value what you have to say. Why would you want to talk to someone like that? But really, it rarely gets this far, because the reality is that most people don't take offense to the truth. Most people realize they have no choice but to accept reality when presented with it.