[hestipod]

It's too late to edit and I need to just not read or post anything anymore since it never helps and makes me more depressed and angry seeing how true my assessment of the world is. But I couldn't stop worrying I made you feel bad should have expounded on my first sentence in my last reply. You have been there kindly since my first post here. I appreciate that. You are clearly a good human being. That's just not enough and it feels like anything I say to well meaning but ultimately unhelpful advice either makes me seem ungrateful, unwilling, or deserving of this decline. None of that is true but you can only take so much, only explain so much. Only refute so much. That always results in people giving up on you as if that's your fault. And I don't mean giving up on being nice...if niceness was enough I would be ok because I know some nice people. But they give up on anything that would really help. I am not setting any artificial deadlines...they keep making threats...and I live every day wondering when the hammer will drop. I have tried to prepare things so I CAN leave if an opportunity arises but so much is still wrong, lacking, and accessible. I have no agency here but to suffer...or end the suffering...and if they kick me out even that becomes harder with less options. I can't live like that on top of everything else.

[techdreamer]

hestipod, You are a very kind person - worrying about me, with all your problems. Don't worry about me, (I was worried that I was upsetting or needling you after I posted). NONE of your problems are your fault. None of them. I just wish that there were some way soon of you getting the help you need.

Please don't worry about me, I've been through some things, (probably toughened my exoskeleton), (or something :). You are not unnoticed and I can only repeat I wish there were some real help that you will get. I am ok.