[ThJ]

Oh, um, that’s interesting. I have found I can make myself dream while awake in a way... I use relaxation techniques on myself all day and it’s actually a bit frightening what you can make your own brain do...

What happened to me is I became more openminded, more fluent in my writing, more daring in my choices, and actually also more socially aware...

I can only compare it to eating the forbidden fruit of the garden of Eden, or to Buddhas awakening. I have such control over my own state of mind that I can calm myself down to such a degree that it almost feels like I smoked a joint, or work myself up into rage or excitement. It’s like playing yourself like a musical instrument as you constantly focus on your breathing.

The other day I had the bizarre experience of sustaining a sexual climax for what must’ve been 20 minutes because I had put myself in such an extremely relaxed state that I could just let it “hang” there forever.

This state of mind seems to be what artists, writers, lawyers and other people who just apply creative thinking in their work are in most of the time, as well as astronauts and professional athletes. The calmness makes you extremely fast and precise.

Interestingly, I began to learn this after taking ADHD meds, but now in need less meds than before. Turns out my ADHD was just a need to stay in a very calm and playful state most of the time. The funny thing is that this has caused me to climb up on Maslow’s pyramid of needs.

I think what ADHD meds often do is help you function but also push you to a breakdown and then your brain starts testing other modes of operation that won’t cause another breakdown. Facing adversity, such as the death of your mother, also seems to be a common trigger for it...

Why the comparison to the forbidden fruit? Because every thought I have now is a double edged sword. Whenever I think something I instantly see the flip side. When I look at other people, I read their body language like a book. Also, self talk has become frighteningly effective.

I wish I had a scientific explanation for it. The closest I can think of is something called psychosynthesis, together with the theories of Jung. I feel like what I’ve done is let the id and ego swap places... or perhaps the id and the superego. Feels like I’m damned near egoless. It’s almost impossible to say hurtful remarks to me.

On the way here, I had something that can best be described as a breakdown followed by a feeling of all encompassing love. A gentle voice told me it loved me and wanted me to be happy and I was overwhelmed with emotion.

I also went slightly paranoid at one point and was convinced everyone was out to get me. I trusted everything my intuition told me, every suspicion and gut feeling felt like reality.

I got over that, but I rely far more on gut feeling now than I ever did before and it makes me very fluent in my writing and very unafraid to ask questions, etc.

It’s been really bizarre.

[mathgorges]

Hey friend. I just wanted to say that I grew up with a parent that was addicted to ADHD meds and he used to say eerily similar sounding things when he was in the thick of it.

If your honestly doing better I’m happy for you.

But if you’re doing _anything_ without the supervision of a medical professional with experience with amphetamines and ADHD, please please please, for the good of yourself and those around you seek out one.

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration was amazingly helpful and kind to my dad. Their number is 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

I’m just an internet stranger, but your words are eerily similar, and I couldn’t in good conscience not say anything. <3

[ThJ]

These are prescription medications being taken under the supervision of both a psychiatrist and a doctor. Again, I'm actually cutting back on the medications. I was on a much higher dose before.

I find it very funny that themes of self-realisation, self-discovery and insanity are often mentioned together. It's almost as if you have to be slightly mad to actually live a little.

And the moment you begin to express your joy of living, people come out to say "You should be careful. You might be going crazy." and other people, who have lost their fear in a similar way, come out to congratulate you on your self-development.

It's almost as if every idea is a double-edged sword if you take the time to examine it.

[cwkoss]

Tangentially if anyone is dealing with a stimulant substance use disorder, the new research on N-acetyl cysteine around stimulant abuse cessation is looking very promising. Something to discuss with your doctor - but it's available over the counter.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5993450/

[sibeliuss]

Stimulants are dangerous and addictive -- good to remember. Lost about 10 years of my life chasing a similar dragon. It's profound and interesting until it's not, and once the stimulants are gone a dark depression is very possible.

This goes out to every person who thinks they suffer from ADHD and believes the only solution is an amphetamine: Explore other options.

[dr_dshiv]

Totally agree. My experience is different. I went through stages similar to OP and managed to maintain for decades. Having a hard but intact marriage/kids helped with grounding.

I would similarly warn that stimulants+mania is dangerous -- make sure you get enough sleep! My friend just went through something very similar and now he is much more on the paranoid side.

Stay positive, be moderate, and consider Platonism or Western Esoterism. May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be filled with loving kindness and peace.

[pavas]

This sounds like mania. Be careful.

[nyolfen]

my thought as well, particularly the bit about following amphetamine use and the death of their mother, assuming it wasn't figurative or an arbitrary example. as someone who has experienced mania it reminded me strongly of the way i've felt in the midst of it -- the sense of mastery, the paranoia, and feeling like i had some kind of conceptual or philosophical breakthrough.

[ThJ]

Oh, I read psychology. Actually, it was mania at one point, but, uh, I... stopped it? And then interesting things began happening. My ability to improvise on the piano improved. My appreciation of classical music grew. The paranoia was replaced by the understanding that people usually aren’t out to get me. It wasn’t so much mania as it was my social skills turning on for the first time and it was a bit intense. I’m talking to people as I’m going through this and the feedback was concern at first, followed by keen interest in what I was saying, in the sense that people now want to talk to me more often, women actually pay attention to me and laugh at my jokes. I think if this is mania, it’s controlled mania in a way? I’m able to bring myself up and down and I stop if it goes too high. There are a couple of friends of mine who have had similar experiences and they’re smart people too, and nobody locked them up for it. I think there are people out there who can control their mind states like this and it’s a rather powerful tool. I’m positive about it. I live, think and feel. I have good days and bad days. Also, I’ve been stepping the ADHD meds down not up, and even late at night when they’re supposed to have worn off, I can still get into that state.

I guess in a way if I didn’t know breathing and relaxation techniques and didn’t know much about psych stuff, I’d be very confused and would possibly lose it, but since I know these things, and I know science, it’s a thing I can control. I’m not alone in it and I’m sharing these things with friends and while some of them don’t get it, some of them do totally get it.

I think what you should know about my story is that I was a ball of stress and fear before this happened. All my life, actually. The notion that people go through breakdowns at stages of self development isn’t exactly unheard of.

The scary thing, of course, is that it DOES break people down completely at times. It’s too much for them to handle... but when it isn’t too much to handle and you just grow from it? I’d call that self development.

[pavas]

>I think if this is mania, it’s controlled mania in a way?

That sounds like hypomania. If you're relatively smart it's like a superpower, but most medical professionals do not believe its something you can control.

I know nothing about you and you could very well have experienced a spiritual awakening, and if so I'm happy for you. From what you say a lot of this stuff sounds pretty recent; if you've lived like this without the heavy down periods for many years then it's likely not what I'm talking about.

I just wanted you to know that if it is mania or hypomania, in which case you will eventually come down, you'll be OK. You'll get through it and it's OK to get some help.

All the best to you.

[ThJ]

Some of the stuff on the hypomania page rings a bell, but I don’t think disinhibition requires testing and confronting your fears first. What I’m going through, behaviourally speaking, feels more like learning the actual vs believed limits of what I can do to affect my environment. It’s a bit like being a kid and testing borders with your parents to see how far you can take it and then gaining a little more confidence. I wait patiently to take the next step and plan things out and then execute them. Again, if I was feeling a loss of control and my behaviours made me dysfunctional, that would be the time to seek help. Instead, it would seem that I’m actually improving my life situation. The definition of mental illness isn’t symptoms but whether they are giving the patient issues interacting with their environment, and as far as I can see, I fail to satisfy that criterium.

It’s of relatively recent date, but thinking back on it, I’ve had vaguely similar experiences before. Difference is that there wasn’t the same bringing online of feelings and abilities. It wasn’t as powerful.

[cwkoss]

Amphetamine can cause a somewhat paradoxical sensitization at lower doses. I'm not sure if it's ever been clinically demonstrated in humans, but I suspect that chronic 'microdosing' of amphetamine could lead to a manic-like state even when sober.

If you're planning on taking doses lower than ~5mg regularly, I'd recommend doing some research on amphetamine sensitization. But, I'm just a guy who likes reading pharma studies in my spare time and definitely not an expert.

[sujNansnam]

Do you have any pointers to those studies? I’ve been taking a lower dose of methylphenidate (10 mg of 8-hour extended release) to try to avoid risks of tolerance and addiction, in addition to skipping it entirely for tolerance breaks. I figured lower was better from a risk standpoint so I’m interested if that’s not that case.

[cwkoss]

Most of the studies of sensitization I have seen have used low doses. I haven't been able to find many studies that measure comparative sensitization at different dosage levels. (So the extent to which this applies to higher doses as well is unclear to me). Further confounding, the definition of "low dose" seems highly variable, and it's hard to accurately extrapolate from rat studies.

"In addition, whereas both groups of rats developed the same degree of sensitization to 0.5 mg/kg AMPH, only the HR rats developed pronounced sensitization to repeated administration of 1.0 mg/kg AMPH. " Individual differences in amphetamine sensitization: Dose-dependent effects https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/0091305792...

Amphetamine Sensitization Alters Reward Processing in the Human Striatum and Amygdala https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3981726/

Amphetamine-Induced Time-Dependent Sensitization of Dopamine Neurotransmission in the Dorsal and Ventral Striatum: A Microdialysis Study in Behaving Rats https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1859849/

[ThJ]

People tell you to “focus” and it’s very funny because I think much clearer than them by NOT focusing. My brain isn’t so much focused on one thing as it’s focused on everything at once. Intuition works very fast so if you give it a few data points it will triangulate them almost instantaneously.

[birdyrooster]

It shouldn’t take paragraphs to say that amphetamine salts feel good and make you masturbate for long periods of time.

What egoless person spends this much time talking about themselves to strangers? It seems logically contradictory.

Good luck and maybe consider seeing a therapist and show them these posts.

[AnthonBerg]

Conversely, three lines is quite enough to misunderstand things on purpose and put people down for little reason. Good luck and maybe consider seeing a therapist and show them these posts.

[birdyrooster]

I am sorry for writing that so condescendingly but it was not an intentional misread. I also see nothing wrong with talking with our therapists. Maybe that is shameful for some but it’s totally cool. Sometimes to be good to each other we have to be honest in ways which are not comfortable.

[AnthonBerg]

I think we’re actually on the same page to a great degree :) Thank you - sincerely - for a refreshingly honest and comfortably reckless exhange.

[moretai]

How do you relax? I've been told always to relax more. But I can't relax at all. My mind is going. I try to find my breath, but I always find that I become in control of the breath. I tried to wet my nostrils to feel the air come through, but when I am consciously waiting for the breath, it is only I who can cause the breath. I don't even know if I breathe when I am unaware of it. I am always just doing. But I see other people's bellies go up and down, so they must be breathing right? Basically, how did you learn to relax to that state?

[ta1234567890]

Sounds like you might have shut down (or have exceptional control of) your default mode network. Watch this video for an explanation: https://youtu.be/QeNmydIk8Yo

Would also recommend you check out Gary Weber's other videos and book, it might help you better understand what you have been experiencing.

[arunix]

The relaxation/breathing you describe sounds really intriguing. Could you provide more information on how to learn those techniques?

[davebryand]

Sounds like you are moving through spiritual awakening. Congrats!

[ThJ]

I mean, it looks that way, but who walks around telling that to people? I recognise it as that. I took some interest in Zen Buddhism, years before this happened, and would sometimes experiment with meditation and controlling my breathing.

“In the oldest texts of Buddhism, dhyāna (Sanskrit) or jhāna (Pali) is the training of the mind, commonly translated as meditation, to withdraw the mind from the automatic responses to sense-impressions, and leading to a "state of perfect equanimity and awareness.”

I don’t know if it’s perfect exactly but the whole training the mind to reduce automatic responses to sense impressions sounds exactly right to me.

I still have some difficulty controlling it but it gets better every day. It seems that the more I dare myself and confront my fears, the better I get at self regulating my emotions.

And damn do I wish there was science to this, because I was very committed to a scientific viewpoint before this happened, which is rather inconvenient at the moment, because my only source of information about what I’m currently experiencing is religion.

[yowlingcat]

Out of curiosity, how old are you, if you don't mind me asking? I recall going through some reasonably similar stuff when I was 19. Curiously enough, in my case, I found biofeedback to begin to start pulling me into some similar terrain.

Now, ten years later, I feel much further away from it than I have before. However, your experience isn't the first I've read where breathwork allows you to control mental "elevation" (for lack of a better phrase) at will -- it makes sense, given the way that breathing integrates into the mind/body connection.

[ThJ]

I’m 36. Did not expect this to happen at my age. I’ll be 40 in 4 years and I thought I was too old to learn things about myself.

[caleb-allen]

I find your comments all fascinating. I have gone through some sort of spiritual experiences recently and have also had a similar scientific perspective. And how do I reconcile? The subjective with the objective?

I think the book Waking Up by Sam Harris gave me what I needed to take a step in trusting my own subjective experience. And realizing that there is knowledge and wisdom that science has not enveloped. And that that is okay--it doesn't mean it's out of reach for science, just not there yet.

My two cents.

[spats1990]

can you recommend some resources for someone who's just getting started on relaxation techniques and meditation, etc?

[collyw]

Headspace has a decent free tier that's good for introductory stuff.