[ethbro]

I would have identified a lot with what you said, several years ago.

The key advice I'd give: realize you are sabotaging your own relationships when you don't tell your partners how you feel about something.

This is not helping them, you, or the relationship out. It may feel like that because there's "less" arguing, but ultimately you're just poisoning trust in the relationship.

As proof, why do you think your partners might react so negatively when you do put your foot down? I'd offer it's because they're surprised. Completely blindsided. Feeling like they don't know you at all. This doesn't lead to comfort and intimacy.

I'm not saying argue about what kind of food to eat every night, but there's a huge spectrum of communication options between "I agree" and "Let's fight about this." Use them. If you're annoyed by something, say so. If something makes you smile slightly, say so.

Real relationships are built by deepening trust by letting your partner know the real you. Not the "Sure, whatever you want" you. Even if you only have a slight preference.

Constructively arguing, without overly hurt feelings on either side, is a skill like any other. You're not going to get better if you only do it once a year.

And finally... express your own needs. If she isn't doing things for you too, then (a) you aren't being vocal enough about the things that make you happy or (b) she just doesn't care.

Sometimes people just aren't well matched for each other. But I think more often, one "quiet" partner never speaks up about the things they want / need / don't want. And so your partner (who is not a mind-reader) just... doesn't.

Thus, you're unhappy. She's unhappy that you're unhappy. Relationship falls apart.

tl;dr - Sometimes being pushier (in a respectful, active-listening, considerate way) leads to less conflict and more happiness in a relationship.

Don't be scared to be the real you. If they don't like that person, then either work to change or break things off. No one should have to live hiding themselves.

[protectid]

Thanks for taking the time to respond. You insights and advice have helped me understand better what is going on. I also feel better about myself in that I am not the only one who has gone through similar stuff. Something about opening up to strangers on Internet :-).

[ethbro]

When it comes down to it, there is no one answer.

Because it's a skill (conflict resolution & communication) operating in a complex environment (your relationship).

Be self reflective though: if you aren't getting the results you want, then try different things.

[ta201909]

> there's a huge spectrum of communication options between "I agree" and "Let's fight about this."

How do you do this in practice? If your partner wants to to something that you disagree with already, and both of you are sub-born, how do you resolve conflicts without someone stepping down and becoming unhappy?

[ethbro]

It's difficult and very much intuition.

The first question I'd ask is why the one stepping down is unhappy? They're compromising and giving a gift to their partner, which their partner should recognize, thank them for, and respect. See (B).

I can only offer the following as things that have worked for me:

A) (MOST IMPORTANT) Recognize (and lead your partner to recognize) that the purpose of disagreement is resolution. Too many people get trapped in a cycle of argue - failure to resolve - argue. If resolutions aren't getting reached, then you and your partner need to talk about how you argue.

B) (second most important) Recognize that no one wins an argument. The purpose isn't to win. The purpose is to reach acceptable consensus. Agreeing on this weeds out a lot of toxic behaviors (like bringing up old arguments), because those actions don't make sense if no one wins.

C) Get better at initiating disagreements. Is this the right time and place to disagree (hint: usually "now" and "here" is, as putting things off is generally a bad idea)? Do you catch your partner off guard, or do you telegraph you're going to disagree about something (hints followed shortly by action is a good playbook)?

D) Get better at providing care after a disagreement. Do you revisit the solution reached, and reassure your partner that you feel good with the solution arrived at? Do you make sure to remind them you care about them, especially if it was an intense argument?

E) Realize that some people were raised with extremely maladaptive and toxic argument patterns by watching their parents. And changing these takes time and effort by both people. Arguments are like coding: there are a huge number of ways to do it, so choose one of the better ones than one of the worse ones!

[ta201909]

Thank you for the thoughtful response, it’s very helpful.

Actually I think I am the one who was raised with extremely maladaptive and toxic argument patterns by watching my parents, and I’m struggling to change because I didn’t have the chance to see and learn other healthy patterns, because, well, disagreements usually happen in private.