|
I felt like I should make a throwaway for this... I'm the same. I'm in a loop where I hold a job for a few months (IT support, recently, contract work, so that they're okay with me leaving), 10 months or so at the most, and then quit so I have my spare time (and energy) back. The last two times, I went overseas with no plan past the first few days. The key thing about after-work and weekend hours is they aren't as useful for getting things done as weekday hours, because you're tired from work. I just quit a pretty relaxed IT job to move from Australia to Scotland and live in a hostel. I'm working on a really exciting coding project now, which I've had the idea for for about a year, but never had the time and energy for before. However, I will soon run out of money, and will need a job. My plan was to do this for a short time, then apply for development jobs once I got a few things finished for my portfolio of work. But - and maybe this is one of the reasons I've held myself back for so long already - I've realized recently I'm too scared. I'm too scared of going back to 9 to 5, even if I'm out of IT and into development. I'm too scared of having someone else in control of how I spend my time. I'm scared of no longer having the chance to become someone exceptional, someone accomplished, someone unique. I'm scared of deciding on a life and then feeling stuck with it. I'm considering trying something crazy and risky like acting, and coding on the side, or freelance, if I can manage that. I am reminded of this passage from from A Scanner Darkly by Philip K Dick: " The pain, the cut in his scalp, so unexpected and undeserved, had for some reason cleared away the cobwebs. It flashed on him instantly that he didn’t hate the kitchen cabinet: he hated his wife, his two daughters, his whole house, the back yard with its power mower, the garage, the radiant heating system, the front yard, the fence, the whole fucking place and everyone in it. That life had been one without excitement, with no adventure. It had been too safe. All the elements that made it up were right there before his eyes, and nothing new could ever be expected. It was like, he had once thought, a little plastic boat that would sail on forever, without incident, until it finally sank, which would be a secret relief to all. In this dark world where he now dwelt, ugly things and surprising things and once in a long while a tiny wondrous thing spilled out at him constantly; he could count on nothing." |
In making the switch I’ve learned that in my rebellion to live like everyone else in my field, living life the way I thought I wanted, I was ignoring the draw of happy normalcy I longed for in the present. I began to feel like I was chasing old goals to somehow please my former self and was guilting myself into thinking that any new goals that were compromises. I eventually got over it when I felt comfortable letting myself be happy in the present and less afraid of being able to reassess and change opinions I convinced myself were strong enough to hold me throughout my entire life.