[repolfx]

"Could you please" is pretty universally considered basic politeness. I wouldn't consider it to be especially soft. "Do it now" is really an escalation to be used only if someone is somehow not understanding that they're being given a direct order.

But then I'm British and apparently we're odd like that :)

As for being seen to be acting like a man - seen that way by who, unforgiveable according to who, and do they actually matter?

I can't say I've heard someone complaining their female manager was acting like a man, or saying they wish their manager would be more feminine. I hear people quite often wishing their managers would be more decisive though.

[daphneokeefe]

I am speaking of my experience in the US.

When I was a senior manager in a Fortune 100 company in the South, I was taken aside by one of my peers, who advised me that I should "speak more deferentially" to my male peers and staff BECAUSE I was a woman. It just would not be acceptable for me to act like any man's equal.

When I was a software engineer in SF, my Indian manager took me into a conference room with his American manager, and told me that I should always, always frame any request to any team member as a plea for them to do a favor for me. No matter what I was asking, no matter who they were, whether in person or email or on Slack.

You ask do these people actually matter? Yes, they were my peers and bosses.

[repolfx]

Fair enough then. The first one is very clear cut.

For the latter, men can get told that too. Some management theories almost elevate the worker above the manager and a belief that clearly asking people to do things is "aggressive" can apply regardless of gender.