[AndrewDucker]

On a non-monetary note, here's some advice I gave my brother recently. (My daughter is now 15 months old, and I was thinking about what advice I wish I'd been given before she was born):

1) Remember at all times that no matter how tired you are, your partner is almost certainly much more tired. Basically, give her a free pass for the first few months, if not longer. (The hormonal changes a few days in are no fun either)

2) There is no point comforting a crying baby - they just don't understand what you're trying to do. Distract the fuck out of them instead. (This from a baby psychologist on a BBC documentary.)

3) Babies are their own tutorial. They start off really simple, with about three things to remember, and then once you've got the hang of those things they start adding new ones on. But you don't need to panic about whether you can do it, it's not complicated, just full on.

4) Bonding - do not panic if it takes you six months (or longer) to fall in love with your child. I certainly felt incredibly protective of Sophia from the moment she was born, but I didn't feel fully connected to her until she was able to smile at me, and we could have some kind of interaction. It's really easy to feel awful because all the TV and movies says it happens instantly, but it can take a fair while, so don't worry about it.

5) Ignore any advice you don't like.

https://andrewducker.dreamwidth.org/3746257.html

[codingdave]

> There is no point comforting a crying baby

I've had 3 children, and found this to be 100% false. Every crying baby has a reason, and if you build a checklist of things to check, almost all babies can be calmed down. I say almost, because there are exceptions to everything.

It has been years, so I no longer have the list in my head, but it boiled down to making sure everything in their environment is in moderation. Not too hot, not too cold, not overstimulated, not under-stimulated. Are they hungry? Wet? Dirty? Tired? Scared? ... you get the idea. Sure, "comforting" them by telling them things will be OK isn't effective. But finding and fixing problems works. And most of us folk on HN are good at such things.

[revx]

So true. I think the idea that a newborn should be left on its own is pretty terrible. No 1-month-old is going to be able to logically determine that you're not going to show up for them. All they know is that something is wrong. Rock your kid to sleep. Love them. Once they get to the point where you can reason with them you can leave them alone, since then they know why you're doing it.

[sparrish]

This is good advice. I've got 7 kids and can verify this. To add a bit more to it, teach your babies how to fall asleep without you rocking them for hours. It's a skill and one few of them learn on their own. Your life will get incredibly easier once they're sleeping through the night and mom and dad can sleep through the night as well. A recommended book is 'On Becoming Baby Wise'. Worked for our 7 - all them were sleeping 8+ hours at night before 12 weeks old.

[kazinator]

Some nicely sleep 8+ hours a night before they're 12 weeks old, and then decide to kick this nice habit after 6 months.

[znpy]

Holy shit dude, seven kids?

On a more serious note: how do you teach them to fall asleep without rocking then for hours?

[codingdave]

In short, ignore them... for actual details, you can google "Cry it out". There are a variety of techniques, varying from letting them cry for 5 minutes, to just letting them cry. Most modern ideas lean towards the 5 minute route, starting when they are close to 6 months old, as then they are old enough to not need feeding overnight.

It does work. Kids do learn that crying doesn't bring any attention, so they stop, and learn a sleeping routine. And with 7 kids, I can understand the appeal. With less kids, we went another route. When my kids were little, there was research saying these techniques were not healthy, but in the last 10 years newer studies have said they are OK. But it is a heated debate among parents.

Ultimately, every parent needs to make their own choice.

[Kubi]

Hi, Please ask if any part of my post is ambiguous (I'm not a native english speaker).

- Not leaving the baby alone especially when she cries, is simply one of the most important things. The first year is the time of developing the confidence. I recommend this: https://www.parentingscience.com/strange-situation.html

- Later, at age of 1..2 years: limits, rules will be more important. Without limits the child would not feel safe, and often tends to put control in her own hands, which is not her responsibility at that age. Also see: "fear of losing control". IMHO its especially hard if you've done right all the 1st year. :)

- Playing with her is a lot more important than giving toys.

- Tantrum is not a problem, even if it lasts for 30-40 minutes. It is an emotional expression, saying something like "Help, I lost the attachment to you!" A good limit for example: She must not hurt anybody, but expressing emotions is allowed.

- Screen, phone, tablet, Youtube, etc. is forbidden until 5 years, later time-limited (if inevitable). I know that a lot of people are opposed.

Yes, being a parent is challenging.

[altsyset]

I love everything you said. Though I expect to find this aspect easier to me, I'm worried about my wife. Thanks for the honest advice though.

[CodeCube]

I'll add on to the "comfort crying baby" point ... once you cover the basics (clean? fed? dry? warm? burped? etc), sometimes babies just cry, and that's ok. Obviously you should be mindful and watchful over their condition, but there's no need to be stressed over a crying child in the short term as long as you've made sure everything is ok.

I'm only mentioning it because with my first (daughter) I would get really stressed and worried if she continued to cry after I did all the above. Just talk to them, play with them, and all will be good :)

[G4BB3R]

What is a free pass?

[kleer001]

taking more than your share of the responsibilities while still assuming a good faith effort on their part, it's understanding that they are working with a diminished ability to do work and cannot supply a purely logical 50% of all required behaviour

it means being very generous