[csa]

1. I strongly suggest therapists — one for your and one for you and your spouse. You may want someone more oriented towards coaching at the start. Note that a couples therapist is an advocate for the couple, while an individual therapist is for you. This will matter if your spouse might have some sort of trauma, personality disorder, etc.

2. Your wife seems to be in a place where she is asking herself a lot of challenging questions. You seem to know this cognitively, but you don’t seem to be accepting it emotionally. Given the situation you described in your post and some of the replies, I’m not surprised her behavior is erratic. That doesn’t make it “right”, but it does mean that one shouldn’t really be surprised.

3. Note that when she uses low blows like playing the feminist card (assuming that it’s an exaggeration), thats a sign of desperation and confusion on her side. Simply put, if you really are against her success, she should just leave — I imagine that’s not really what she wants.

4. I’m not sure where you are located, but dual incomes with kids to me suggests that some of that extra income should go into help around the house. This can be via a nanny, a house cleaner, someone to drive the kids around, etc. The amount you choose to spend has a potentially wide range, but the utility can be undeniably helpful. In many families this is done by extended family members, but if you don’t have that option, paying money works. I see lots of dual-income couples not near their families try to be superheroes and maintain a high-paced lifestyle all by themselves — that’s insane.

Best of luck!

[careerspouse]

Thanks for your insight, good things to think about.