[wellactually]

Exactly. Social skills can be learned, but often that requires a lot more effort and pain than learning a new programming language or framework. Listening with full attention is the most underrated "best practice" in tech.

[rhizome]

The thing about (not) learning social skills is that there isn't instant feedback whether it's working or not. Can't write Selenium routines for people.

[nradov]

At a communication skills training class the instructor asked us, "Are you listening, or just waiting to talk?"

[wwweston]

I'm adequate at this sometimes, but there are situations where I'm... pretty bad at it. They tend to be where:

(a) somebody is explaining something at either edge of my understanding -- either well-inside (and listening feels like a waste of time because I know this stuff) or well-outside (and listening feels like a waste of time because I don't know enough to get a solid purchase into the stream of communication).

(b) the primary purpose of the conversation is setting expectations or attempting to provide motivation, but it goes on for more than twice the minimum necessary communication

(c) I'm distracted by some unresolved issue I care about more.

(c) is clearly my issue. (a) & (b) are arguably failures of the other party as much as anything I'm doing, but I feel like I could probably get better at responses here.

If anybody has any hints, I might even try to listen. :)

[seanmcdirmid]

They can be learned to some me extent, but they are harder for some people to learn than others, especially those far off to one side of the spectrum. Actually, it is really easy to tell naturals apart from those who have to consciously study social skills, the latter being much more stilted and systematic than the former. I admit I find it really off putting when interacting with someone with heavily trained social skills (and I’m definitely not a natural). I prefer people to be themselves rather than pretending to be something else.

[wellactually]

> I prefer people to be themselves rather than pretending to be something else.

Very few people are "themselves" in practice. There's a difference between how one feels and what one conveys. Communication is about conveyance.

[seanmcdirmid]

If it is easy to see through communication that goes against feeling, the result can be unsettling to some listeners; eg what are they hiding? What do they really think?