[kdelok]

It's great that you encourage this attitude in your kids.

I had a similar high-achieving story until I experienced some mental health issues during my PhD. I came out the other side realising that what made me happy wasn't a high-octane, top-of-my-field job, but a bunch of other stuff that I went for instead. I mainly feel lucky that I was well-placed to do that, even if some might say I'd wasted some potential.

[foobarian]

Another similar story here. Got all the way to end of post-doc until I realized I was doing it all for external reasons (immigrant from culture that pushes academics very hard). I definitely won't be pushing my kid the same way. Sometimes I wonder if it is possible to swing the pendulum too much the other way? But I hope to strike a happy medium.

[cheez]

Yes it is possible to push it too far the other way. The immigrant culture that pushes academics very hard simply needs to be amended to add on the part of life that is fun. I pushed my kids hard, encouraged them to have fun and enjoy life, and now they do that on their own. They make their own goals, set out plans to achieve them, getting parental help along the way, but also encouraged them to have fun.

For example, my daughter recently asked if she should stay home to study for exams that are about 3 weeks away instead of going on a school trip to a different city. I told her to study her ass off precisely so that she could go without any guilt.

She did, and she feels much more rounded and fulfilled.

Don't think that what your parents did was so wrong it needs to be corrected. Think of what was missing and what you can do about it.

[dm3]

Do you mind giving an example or two of how you push or pushed your kids in a positive way?

[cheez]

I didn't say I pushed them in a positive way :) Sometimes they need their heads pounded figuratively.

But generally, I talk to them about their goals and ask them if they really want them. Usually the answer is yes.

Then I say something like "Are you willing to give up some play time with fortnite (or equivalent)" to achieve your goal? Usually the answer is yes.

Then I ask them how they will know they are getting closer to their goals. Usually they'll say something that makes no sense (because they're kids) and so we'll google characteristics of getting towards said goal.

Then I'll ask them what do they think they should do on a weekly basis so that in 1 month, 6 months, 1 year, they will be at the level they should be in that time. They usually have a good answer based on aforementioned googling.

Then I ask them when they plan to make the time for this. Usually they have a good answer for this since they manage their own schedule.

Then, my job is just to remind them if they forget and if they are not keeping up, ask them if their goals have changed or why they are not keeping up with their plans. This is the part where sometimes I need to pound them on their heads figuratively.

[simmanian]

How old are your kids? My worry is that if I do this with my future kids they'll simply tell me what I want to hear since they won't have developed a clear understanding of what they want in life and what's possible to do in life.

[cheez]

16 and 11. I think the 11 year old maybe only started picking it up in the last year or so, but after they picked up a hobby they really liked.

[ido]

just knowing that you care & realising that they have the agency to choose what it is they want out of life is already a plus.

[danielecook]

Glad you figured things out - but I’m very curious about what you switched to.

[kdelok]

I switched from computational simulation stuff to software engineering (big company, but not FAANG), since I found that the coding was much more rewarding than running the code. I think academia is a great career, but that it is better suited to other people.

I like my 9-to-5(ish) job coding up software that people actually use. I also like that when I go home, I don't have the emotional baggage of worrying about work.