[browningstreet]

Good list.

Having done a lot of professional tech mentorship, and fitness/nutrition coaching, I can also say that a lot of people who've asked me for help make it into 1-3 items of a similar list I have, and back off, and then.. typically, come back 6-9 months later and report that they have the same issues, feel the same way, and now feel kind of bad about themselves having failed to achieve/change more.

It's an axiom in coaching that you can't get people to do things, that you can only offer up suggestions/solutions and those who are ready will jump on it. I think this is pretty true. I also think that if you're on the bubble, and you want change but aren't quite sure if you'll really stick with it, making enough change can be a turning point. Something will click when you do enough, and that click can be the moment when you really want it, because you have seen a bit of change.

But, in short you have to be pretty ruthless for yourself to transform, and that usually also means disconnecting from some of your legacy commitments (friends, amount of social time, drinking, etc).

[acqq]

> in short you have to be pretty ruthless for yourself to transform

More about this:

- If you believe that “the most important is to be yourself”, stop. The reason you asked is because you’re ready to change not doing everything the same as before.

Then set the goals that you believe are achievable to you but find somebody that you can report about them. Once you achieve them, also confirm that they stick (that that wasn’t “once”). Etc.

But also: seek a help of a Cognitive Behaviour therapist. Evidence based. As scientific as it can be. Read other comments here about it, and search elsewhere.

[doboyy]

I want to offer an alternative interpretation on the "be yourself" mantra, because I think there is some wisdom there. You first have to "know thyself", which is difficult, because I don't think introspection is natural to our monkey-brains. Our minds, with all of the peculiar characteristics that have emerged over human history, make it difficult to evaluate ourselves accurately, in the same artists have a hard time judging the quality of their work, even if it is phenomenal. After that, you actually have to strive to be yourself, and you'll likely face resistance. You've got to be creative when dealing with that, and I think the tips posted help in that regard.

I've been toying with the idea that you must attempt to live according to your principles and values, else there is inevitably be unresolved psychological tension. I don't want to get into examples to prove my assertion right now but brainstorming could be done.

Of course, this doesn't tell you what principles and values are right or wrong. Is OP right to want to be more confident? I don't know, but he believes he should and thus, stress. CBT could help. What I am fairly sure of, is that these problems won't resolve themselves until beliefs and actions start to align. So... "be yourself"

[acqq]

Still: if you aren‘t willing to change, you won‘t. I know some who go from one to another place where they could, but they don‘t. They stay in they same story just shortly pretending then always claiming that the others are the problem.

And I know also some who think that “being themselves“ means keep doing everything exactly like before.

[jvagner]

In my own personal experience, I had an occasion where, almost by accident, I felt the absence of all my limiting thoughts, for a short spell.

I get what is being suggested by "be yourself", but I also think people can have a lot of layers that need to be peeled back before that's even evident, and if you propel yourself forward through action and change, one's vantage point of what "being yourself" is may have a qualitatively different aspect to it when certain kinds of limiting behaviors/ beliefs/ habits are excised from one's life, because they're also excised from their mental identification map. Those connections may not be relevant.

[doboyy]

I think I might've stretched what is traditionally meant by "be yourself" too far. The model I suggested was to take psychological pain as a hint that you are not living according to your principles. An explicit example of this would be addiction. You know it is not in your best interest to be doing a particular thing, but you do it anyways, thus psychological pain. You are not living in accordance to what you aspire to be, and I would call who you aspire to be "yourself", which would help resolve inner conflict.

Many layers are always being peeled back, because it's an inherently hard problem. I mean, how should I act/live and what is the purpose?! It's not clear, but my idea is that psychological pain (or lack of) can be a compass as to whether our answers are on the right track. Being willing to change and shedding the limiting beliefs you identify with is part of realizing and discovering one's self.

That being said, whether one's beliefs and principles are justified will always remain an open question. I don't doubt that it's possible to have terrible beliefs and realize one's self as a smug asshole. I don't think (hope?) most of us would be comfortable with that.

[acqq]

> my idea is that psychological pain (or lack of) can be a compass as to whether our answers are on the right track.

You obviously didn't have any serious contact with the people who have psychological problems:

Some actually have psychological pain almost constantly, unless they do something that distracts them from that, but even bigger pain if they try to change anything. That's the "loop" in which they live and from which they believe there's no escape (it's also one of excuses for developing addictions). And the escape can be: surviving the bigger initial pain coming from their attempt to change. That's why they need help, at best from good professionals, like CBT is supposed to be. Their everyday environment (including the people closest to them) is often also a problem typically contributing to them being “trapped” in the loop.

It's really a very hard topic. Even the whole big groups of people (i.e. those that identify themselves with political parties) in the whole nations often live in some big denials (1), exactly staying in the "loop" where they even support them to "be themselves" in the sense of not having introspection and courage to change themselves to the better. Which would mean that they should reevaluate their "values" and not stick to them.

It's that hard. And I'm intentionally addressing your claim "you must attempt to live according to your principles and values." I don't agree. You must be ready to constantly question "your principles and values." They aren't absolute truths, you've just acquired them from your environment and these very values can be destructive both to you and often to other people that depend on your actions.

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1) And I can name you some really big denials constantly kept in both of the two most influential U.S. parties, for example.