[edburgess]

You're a programmer right? You build web apps and stuff? When you build one and launch it out into the world, do you expect everyone to drop everything and flock to your website? I hope not. You need to reach out, as uncomfortable as it might be, and engage people. It's hard work.

Now let's take your personal life. When you're at your computer most of the day, do you expect people to magically gravitate to you and be your friend? If so, you're living in a Field of Dreams. You're fooling yourself.

Try Rejection Therapy: http://www.rejectiontherapy.com. It's like a radical new form of networking. I've heard so many amazing stories of people pushing past their fear to make a rejection, and it ends up starting an amazing new friendship.

Stop being attached to outcomes. Stop being obedient to fear. Stop driving down that same road, day after day. You'll end up in the same lonely destination. Put on the 4 wheel drive and start off-roading into new territory. It's exhilarating.

People want to meet you, but you have to meet them halfway.

For inspiration, look at how this guy does it: http://sneakylittlefox.tumblr.com/

[JofArnold]

Absolutely agree with this. And I'll add to it also, if I may (it might seem slightly off-topic at first, but there is a point)

I used to be very shy (I still am in some specific ways) and one of the consequences I didn't realise at the time is that I had no idea where my true boundaries were.

So I challenged myself to discover them with initially small tasks; stuff as basic as "keeping eye contact when handing over change to a clerk" that sort of thing. I'd then progress to starting conversations with people in queues, going to bars on my own and trying to make friends and so on and so forth.

I'm very aware that at all points to an outsider I was probably acting a little weird (in the same way that someone learning to rollerskate looks a bit silly), but progressively these tests pushed my boundaries further and further. I even turned it into a bit of a game, trying to find more and more elaborate ways to make myself uncomfortable... I soon discovered that no matter how nerve-wracking and scary these encounters were, I never ended up harmed.

The net result is a compound benefit a/ the confidence to be able to the social things I want b/ a million amusing anecdotes to tell new people I meet when I do those things. Now it's pretty hard to be lonely, because it's easy to strike up a great conversation with almost anyone and find some amusing/interesting common ground.

Hope that helps a little.

[sizzla]

The little tasks you assigned to yourself to try and tackle at least the low hanging fruit are in a way core to the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. CBT is the most often used form of psychotherapy not in small part due to its reported effectiveness. It's great to hear your story, thanks.

[cgs]

"People want to meet you, but you have to meet them halfway."

Exactly. Reach out to people. Put yourself out there. I'm discovering that the people that are worth getting to know take some effort. I've had lots of "friends" who in hindsight, where just chatty assholes.

[lief79]

As an alternative to rejection therapy, or possibly a compliment, on a college campus it's usually easy to approach anyone who happens to be by themselves. I made a habit of looking around the dining hall, and asking anyone solo (of both sexes) if they'd mind having some company. A few people will be busy cramming, but most people will be game.

Then you just follow the standard freshman approach to getting to know someone ... major, where are they from, etc. Keep asking questions and you'll stand a very good chance of meeting someone. No pressure, no risk, and in practice it's usually a very low miss percentage.

In practice, I think I ended up with two or three girls interested in me from this approach, but I think I was dating someone already each time. I also brought in a large number of people who joined my existing group of friends.

[DanielRibeiro]

These ones are also very good:

Very video (direct link): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs&feature=playe...

http://www.salon.com/life/coupling/index.html?story=/mwt/bro...

http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1596974