You can equivocate all you'd like, but the reality is that having your cash stolen from the bank is a non-issue while having your bitcoin lost or stolen is pretty much an inevitability without careful OpSec. Your disingenuous link to a google search for "theft+stolen - bitcoin" reflects poorly on your argumentation skills.
How is it disingenuous? You said that heists were "vanishingly rare" outside of Bitcoin.
As it happens, your cash in the bank is being slowly devalued via inflation as the banks are constantly making new money in the form of loans.
Bitcoin being the way it is is a feature, not a bug. If you don't get it, that's fine, but don't make ridiculous claims like only bitcoin is susceptible to crime and incompetence.