[say-vagnes]

Sometimes we need to remember that positive interactions make people happy, and negative ones make people sad. And that's what they'll remember about the interaction afterwards.

For a lot of people, these basics apply even to technical discussions. Criticizing their code makes them feel bad, and so you are a jerk. Meanwhile, you think you are criticizing their design to help them improve it. This is a mistake on the part of the person receiving criticism, but it's very rare to have a manager or mentor who can point this out to them, and help them dissociate their implementations from their self worth.

Couple into this other culture's aversions to even just saying "no", and we have a complex and challenging world to navigate. I'm constantly in search of the team where we don't have to do silly social dances to make sure everyone feels valued, and can just criticize and fix, since the members know they're valued by virtue of being part of the team to begin with.

But that is asking a lot of people - they have to have reflected on these issues. Since this is rare, and the larger a team gets, the more likely you'll have to deal with those who haven't dissociated yet. Makes for a great mentorship opportunity if you can find a way to have them "let you in".

[jlokier]

True enough, but it's not just about making anyone happy.

Even thick-skinned people have a hard time with another type of negativity:

"Negativity" doesn't only mean high quality criticism, or pessimism.

It also refers to low quality, demanding, draining, and often competitive and repetitive discussions where critics are full of it.

Sometimes there is also bullying, always talking over, making out that coworkers are stupid, taking credit for others work, not pulling their own weight, trying to trick people, manipulating people to their disadvantage, insinuations, word-twisting and game-playing, that sort of thing.

That sort of negativity is draining. It's negative in an energy and morale sense.

That's not about hurting anyone's feelings, and it's not even about sadness and happiness.

It's just that some ongoing interactions drain everyone's energy without giving much back in exchange.

Everyone does it occasionally. Some people do it a lot - those can destroy a team and a company.