[beetwenty]

My intuition agrees. The threshold of features that OP is looking for amounts to "multiple devices all crammed into one". That is going to lead to a compromised workflow - there's more to configure on your end and you'll lose track of it in a digital sense instead of a physical one. Like with the actual Swiss Army Knife, most of the end result is likely to be unsatisfying as a professional tool.

For ordinary tasks, a consumer device that can SSH in, and ideally do some USB, probably is the right thing. Last week I put together a $50 vest-pocket writing kit with a smartphone stand and a folding Bluetooth keyboard(iClever brand, if you care). And in just a week of use, I've already had multiple strangers remark "I want that" - I can easily imagine using it for coding and sysadmin too. The real limits to client computing these days mostly revolve around operating system and I/O, and you do want to have lots of ports...but mostly on your desktops and servers.