[jurassic]

Yeah, moderately. This year I gave about $7k to each sibling which is life-changing for them and not really a hardship for me other than slightly delaying my home-ownership goal.

For one sibling, I'm the safety net when crises happen that they can't afford. E.g. can't come up with their car insurance deductible, water heater broke, etc. They don't ask but I always offer when it's clear that a small outlay would spare a huge amount of stress for everyone. Because what am I going to do, let these very minor issues send their financial life spiraling out of control? Of course not.

Other sibling is more financially responsible and trying to work through college part-time. I'm paying the car payment and car insurance while they go because I am 100% on board with this self-improvement plan. I proposed this because these expenses were keeping them from enrolling and I think it's in my own financial interest to invest in broadening the base of financial stability in my family.

Other context: My dad has a decent job (government job paying ~$80k/yr in small town America) but mom is a lunatic when it comes to money so they have nothing saved. Her idea of being able to afford something is being able to afford the payments. So far I haven't had to bail them out but only because my dad is too proud to ask and would rather go to his mother whenever there is a budget crunch.

Edit to add: I see lots of people saying things along the lines of "keep money and family separate". That is a very privileged attitude. It's very hard to enjoy money when people you love are going through hardships that would be solved by an infusion of cash. Obviously it's important not to give more than you can afford but you would be surprised by the number of people in tech who are sending money home in one way or another.

[sameerds]

In my language (Marathi), we have a phrase for this which can be translated as "from the bowl into the plate". The intention is to expand the meaning of "me" to include people that matter. Then you no longer think of the money that you give out as a loan or a gift; you're merely spending it on your extended self.

I was afforded the "luxury" of doing a PhD instead of getting a job out of college because my older brother was working and assumed the financial responsibility of the house. Now I work too, and if the occasion arises, I am happy to part with reasonable sums of money without even thinking of whether it is meant to be repaid or not.

[wintermutesGhst]

This idea really resonates with me, and is a notion I've been working through without really having words that express it.

Could you share the untranslated phrase if I wanted to read more about it?

[sameerds]

The original phrase is "वटीतून ताटात", pronounced as "vaatitun tatat", but with two different sounds for the "t". A "vaati" or "katori" is a small bowl, several of which are placed inside the plate in a meal. The idea is that you are the bowl and your family is the plate; irrespective of whether food is served in the bowl or the plate, finally you are the one who enjoys it.

[tfigment]

You are a good person. Money is really good to keep separate though at least for many people I think. I've done similar things like loaned my older brother enough to get through nursing school as he was stocking at Target at 33 and I thought this was a better path. I was better off then but not well off and this cause some strains. When he was doing better it was hard to get him to pay back anything even at 0% interest (I eventually gave up and made it a a gift though wasn't the original intent).

I also loaned my dad basically my life savings to bail out his company which the great recession ended bankrupting him anyway. This caused a strain with our relationship mostly because he felt and continues to feel extremely guilty about it even though I was able to rebuild my savings since then. Now I pay half his rent and try to avoid tying my finances too closely to him to try and avoid his creditors and possible future medicaid clawbacks. Money and family can be tricky.

[jacobolus]

General advice: treat any “loans” to family or close friends like gifts. Once you hand the money over, imagine it is gone forever.

Then if the loan is paid back, you will be happily surprised. But if it’s not you won’t be bitter about it, and it won’t ruin your relationship.

Corollary: don’t lend your family members an amount of money that would cause you hardship if it’s not paid back. (Obviously extreme circumstances call for careful consideration of the particulars. This is not blanket advice)

YMMV.

[Retra]

This is great advice, I feel. I loaned my sister some money for school, and she made an honest effort to repay me, but started falling back on it after a while. So I just said "consider the rest of the loan a birthday present" and asked her to not pay anymore on it.

Because at the end of the day, I'm not going to let money destroy a relationship, and I gave her that money to relieve her stresses, not to contribute to them. So from now on, if I give money to my family, I let them pay it back according to their conscience and ability. People who need money really don't need more things to worry about.

[jki275]

That's the best advice I can see, and it's how I've always done it. I'll never loan family anything, but I'm glad to gift things if I can afford it.

[jammygit]

Strongly agree

[AnIdiotOnTheNet]

> Money and family can be tricky.

Maybe, but on your death bed which one do you think you are going to have the most regrets about?

[devonkim]

Abuse of this commonly held notion is what has driven my family apart to make this answer clearer - anyone that abuses familial ties for money is not family. Someone that would abuse the sacred relationship for something as material as temporary funding for selfish purposes is a person that deserves neither money nor love from me.

[AnimalMuppet]

The way I see it, there can definitely be abuses. But there is certainly a place for helping non-abusers, too. Robert Frost said "Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in." Well, family are the people who, when they genuinely need help, you have to try to give it.

[bostik]

The fact that I didn't impress financial prudence on them when I had the chance?

[scarface74]

Edit to add: I see lots of people saying things along the lines of "keep money and family separate". That is a very privileged attitude. It's very hard to enjoy money when people you love are going through hardships that would be solved by an infusion of cash. Obviously it's important not to give more than you can afford but you would be surprised by the number of people in tech who are sending money home in one way or another.

(This is the generic “you”, not you in particular).

I would say don’t let family or anyone else borrow money. If anyone is going through hardships, just give it to them. It makes things a lot easier on them and you both. If you can’t afford to give it to them, don’t put yourself in a position that you are depending on getting the money back.

I’ve found that often, if they can, they will pay you back anyway.

[50]

I often think about this.

My parents combined make roughly 30k/yr with little to no retirement savings. They are immigrants (including myself) and neither of them attended high school. They have four children including myself: three girls, one guy (me). My dad, the person who brings in most of the household income, is close to retiring, at least I think he is: he's in his early-mid 60s and has his own gardening business with his own workers. I assume his body is taking a toll or even more so, can't handle the 6am to 7pm, 7 days/wk work days. My mom, on the other hand, is in her late 40s and works as a part-time elementary school supervisor - looking after kids, etc. She recently, as we were joking around this past holiday break, mentioned that I should already get my degree and that fancy new-grad gig so she wouldn't have to work anymore. I laughed it off, secretly wishing I could so immediately.

We, as in our 6 person family, live in a two-bedroom apartment in the Orange County area. My parents have been edging to move to some place cheaper like Perris, to finally be able to achieve that ol' American dream of owning or renting a home. I'm not too fond on the inland empire, and prefer the southern coastal cities of Orange County, etc. I've been wanting to say, "Wait a few years. I'll have a full-time salary job, and I can definitely help you rent a lovely house in a nice, quiet area I think you would all love. I'll send 2.5k/mth and maybe my sisters can help out too." But that's a big commitment to make.

It's difficult. Thinking about this adds a load of pressure on my shoulders, and it's even convoluted with a deep rooted sadness because I think about life and death and their respective lives and feel this what my parents need/want and I can't help them immediately. This might be part of the reason why I've been engulfed in eastern religions and eastern mysticism these past few years, maybe as a coping mechanism. I mean, these are just "cultural" problems. After all, a bed and roof over our head is all that will do fine and dandy. But I don't want to tell my parents that, they probably know it, and despite it, they just want their own perception of a little happiness. Alas, all is well. I hope I play my cards out right these next few years. If not, that's okay too.

[devonkim]

I’m from a family of immigrants and still believe in some level of separation between family and money. While I believe in aiding family on the basis of love, I also believe in witholding money on the basis of love as well. For example, if a family member has a substance abuse problem lending them money is not helping them, agreed? The correct action involving money is to help pay for rehab or at most their housing payments if it puts no burden on oneself.

This issue is a very important one because it can strain or break marriages if your spouse does not agree with how money should be treated among family. How one treats money is a part of how they implement their values and morality in general, after all.

[jamisteven]

"It's very hard to enjoy money when people you love are going through hardships that would be solved by an infusion of cash." True yes, but thats not sustainable and will continue to happen. You arent doing them any actual favors by enabling them to continue on with this same financially irresponsible behavior, you are simply doing it for your own guilt. "You give a poor man a fish and you feed him for a day. You teach him to fish and you give him an occupation that will feed him for a lifetime"

[helen___keller]

>It's very hard to enjoy money when people you love are going through hardships that would be solved by an infusion of cash. Obviously it's important not to give more than you can afford but you would be surprised by the number of people in tech who are sending money home in one way or another.

I've seen this time and time again, especially with PoC, who (statistically speaking) have much lower net worth as family units and thus are more susceptible to financial ruin when going through times of hardship

[TheMagicHorsey]

Just realized I am very privileged to have siblings and cousins who all equal or outperform me.

[nemild]

Thank you for sharing all this!

[paulcole]

> keep money and family separate". That is a very privileged attitude. It's very hard to enjoy money when people you love...

It’s also privileged to assume family = people you love. My relatives are OK. Some are nice people but I have no interest in them for the most part. Just because we’re related doesn’t carry any obligation to love them or do anything for them.