| Throwaway for obvious reasons. But here is what had happened to me:
- Anxiety disorder, OCD, depression and paranoia I had intense suicidal thoughts and living life was a pain. I went to a therapist and it did not help. I instead met a patient at the therapist's clinic who told me that I would be given shock treatments and will eventually go crazy. That was over all a very bad experience and made it all worse. To be honest I realized how all these problems manifested in the first place. I had been indulging myself into intense philosophical content and solipsism (theory that we cannot verify the nature of reality of anyone but ourselves). I remember waking up from a dream and not being sure if the waking state was a dream or not. It was the most frightening experience. I used to write on my palm everyday that, "Survive this day". I tried my best to stay afloat. Skip to current day:
I have completely recovered and in the process of fighting these mental illnesses, I have developed excellent coping mechanism. I have become more kind and matured. I have learnt to rationalize my thoughts and over all I'm more content than anyone in my immediate social circle. Here are a few things that helped me: - I noticed that my thought process had become super confused. My thoughts were chaotic. For example, at one point I decided that doing X will be my way out of this mental suffering and then a few moments later Y would seem like the only option. I finally came to the conclusion that I cannot trust my mind's decision making ability in this state. Both X and Y could be equally good options but the mind, in a depressed state, becomes so chaotic that it can very quickly switch its stand.
Solution: Whenever you want to decide upon something, select any option, without analyzing it, and just do that. If you have a trusted family member or a friend then make them decide for you. Avoid assessing any decision and spend more time on executing it. - Physical activity is a great way of reallocating the mental energy. I realized that any sort of physical activity like cooking a meal, walking etc indulges my mind a lot. If you need a quick break from the mental chaos, try to physically engage yourself. I go for cycle rides at night and eat at a place where there are a lot of people - Mind is a treacherous friend. For a brief period in my life, I thought that I was going to go crazy beyond any repair. Although nothing really happened, the very thought that something could, drove me crazy. Be aware of such thinking traps. Go here and check them out: https://www.anxietycanada.com/sites/default/files/ThinkingTr... - Probably the most helpful point is this one:- How to deal with your reality? Answer: Surrender to your reality.
I felt a huge shock when I looked back at myself and whatever I was going through. I was still not ready to accept that my suffering is here to stay for a little long. I couldn't focus on work or even the simplest tasks. It was hopeless and very painful.
But slowly I convinced myself that its okay to suffer and my achievements are greater if I can thrive despite of my suffering. And I slowly started accepting that this unpleasantness will never leave me and all my efforts to treat it are futile. And that's how you trick your self-preservation instinct. Just surrender to your reality. Accept whatever bad thought comes to you. It's very hard and scary to do so but, once you do, you will immediately notice that your mind just frees up. The preservation instinct drowns and you finally allow your brain to forget these unpleasant experiences. - Dealing with suicidal thoughts: The way I dealt with it was, I kept setting a date to commit suicide. If I really feel suicidal today, I'd decide that 2 months from now, I'll end it all. And then my mind would become free from suicidal thoughts because it had an exact estimate as to how long it has to endure the unpleasantness. So I decided that I'd give life a chance until I am 32 and then every time I had a suicidal thought, I remind myself of this deadline and then I'd feel a little better. - Also, start helping people in whatever little way possible. It helped me a lot. It helped me cope with my suicidal thoughts. Being of use to someone, even if in a small way, will send massive signals to your mind that make the suicidal thoughts go away. On an ending note, I just really want you to get better. I have been in a very tough situation and trust me you can get out. Learn more about your mind and rationalize it and understand that its stupid. Struggle as much as you can but stay afloat. Your experiences will help someone else! And don't try to solve your problems and let go man. I will be coming back to check on this to see if you need any help or need to reach out to me. |