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My father was a high-functioning alcoholic when I was growing up. I didn't even find out about it until I was 20 or so. He just used booze, like you do, to take the edge off after a stressful day at work. He wasn't loud or belligerent or even noticeably drunk or anything like that. Nonetheless, it had an impact on him, and his family and relationships, and it impacted me in ways that still have consequences to this day. He has difficulty forming relationships, and he has difficulties communicating even in the relationships that he has. He is not in touch with his feelings, which sounds like hippy-dippy bullshit, but it's a serious problem because those emotions are still there, unaddressed, and they affected his emotional health and his ability to be happy. And, as a result of growing up in a household that doesn't communicate well, and having a male role model who buries his emtions, I have difficulties communicating and forming relationships, and I tend not to deal with my emotions in a healthy manner. I've participated in recovery groups for adult children of alcoholics, and this is apparently what that program is designed to deal with, because that's what we all have--issues with personal communication, buried emotions. My father lost his marriage, and I had a depressive breakdown in college. We also don't talk more than once every few months. He's dealt with his alcoholism by now, and he's sober and in recovery programs, and he's making progress in all those habits and patterns that normal healthy people have that he didn't. But that doesn't bring his marriage back, and that doesn't bring his relationship with his son (me) back. So, my point is, just because you don't hurt people or say stupid shit and light your pants on fire when you're drunk, don't think that there aren't consequences. The stereotype of the drunk husband/father is the one who comes home and shoutsat /beats his wife and/or kids. However, you can be the polar opposite of that, and still have your relationship destroyed by your alcoholism. When you deal with your stress with beer, instead of using the support of your loving family, you're making emotional isolation a part of your family life. You're mentally checking-out (that's the point, right?), during the part of the day when you're supposed to be together, developing & strengthening your relationships. Don't think you can compensate for this by being overly affectionate. It doesn't work like that. Love isn't about displays. It's about personal interactions, living together and helping each other. Speaking for myself, I've made progress in conquering my baggage because I have a wonderful supportive girlfriend who makes me be communicative and emotive. So, my advice which I'm pulling out of my ass as a random dude on the internet: take away the need to drink, and simultaneously work on rolling back the problems it may have caused, by talking to your wife about when you're stressed about work/life/etc instead of opening up a beer. It will take a long time and a lot of work on your part to make it work. Stay with it. |