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I'm trying to be constructive and not overly harsh, but I found the structure, presentation and wording extremely hard to follow.

I often had no idea as to why pieces of information were being presented and how they were relevent.

I also found many of the explanations confusing and missing relevant details.

I got the overall impression that you were really not clear what your target audience was or what information you were trying to convey.

I also got the impression that either english may not be your first language, or you don't edit your own writing very carefully. Either way, I would suggest finding someone who can assist you with editing your writing.

> Laura sends a payment for $10 to Jesse through her remittance companies mobile app. Within fractions of a second, a message is exchanged with Domestic Bank of Nigeria to make sure that Jesse’s account is in good standing. If Jesse’s account is compliant a message will be delivered back to ABC that the payment can move forward.

1) 'exchanged' already implies a message and response, but then you state a message is sent back. This would be duplicate information, but then you qualify that this is done if the account is in good standing?

2) You don't say who send the original message, but I assume it is ABC since the response is sent back to them.

3) How is this message sent? To an IP address over the internet? Over the stellar network?

Here's an example of a more concise and clearer explanation of what I think you were trying to say:

Laura tell ABC she want to sent $10 to Jesse at DBN. ABC uses the stellar network to ask DBN if Jesse's account is in good standing.

> ABC Remittance is an Anchor on the Stellar network. This means that it can accept deposits and issue credits on the Stellar network. The remittance company will then deduct the funds being sent from the account that has been specified. The deducted funds are immediately moved over to ABC Remittance Pool Account. The money is then moved from the Pool Account into the Stellar Network by issuing credits in the amount of the dollars that Laura is sending to Jesse.

I can't really figure out what is going on here? Where are the credits issued? By who? What is a pool account? How is the money moved into the stellar network? who specifies what account?

perhaps:

ABC Remittance is an Anchor on the Stellar network. This means that ABC transfer $10 from Jesse's account to ABC's pool account and issue itself a credit for $10 on the Stellar network.

> 0nce the system receives the credit from ABC’s pool account, the network searches for the best possible exchange rate amongst all the market makers on the network. Once the exchange is complete, Domestic Bank of Nigeria receives the $10 in the native Nigerian currency of Naira into their Base Account. Domestic Bank will receive the digital credits for Naira from the Stellar network. Domestic Bank will then credit Jesse’s personal account. This example assumes that $10 USD equates to 4,000 Naira.

What is 'the system'? How the the exchange happen? Who sends the money to DBN? Is it over the stellar network?

perhaps (thought I think it is quite likely my explanation is inaccurate given the holes in your explanation of the process):

ABC can use this credit to ask the Stellar Network to find the market maker on the Stellar Network with best exchange rate from Dollars to the Nigerian currency Naira. For this example we assume that exchange rate is $10 USD equates to 4,000 Naira. Once the market maker with the best exchange rate is found, ABC exchanges it's $10 of credit on the Stellar Network for the market makers 4,000 Naira of credit. ABC sends the 4,000 Naira credits it now has on the Stellar Network to DBN. DBN then revokes 4,000 of its Naira credits on the Stellar Network and transfers 4,000 credits from its pool account to Jesse's accout.