[afarrell]

Do you have any tips for finding local pickup groups where the reputation is undeserved? that is, how can I find groups which avoid the misogyny I’ve seen in many online pickup groups and where they’re focused on the skills to start and build mutually satisfying enthusiastically consensual interactions?

I ask partly because I’ve long wanted to learn to be a wingman, partly to nerd out about the study of social skills, and partly because my wife and I happen to have built ourselves a social circle with a couple of women who have talked to us about the frustrations of dating and it would be nice to help them find someone.

[lawnchair_larry]

I don’t think you are doing women any favors by introducing them to these people.

[afarrell]

Hence my concern for avoiding the mysogyny and lack of respect for consent.

But there’s nothing inherently wrong with being a guy who wants to better-understand how dating works and how to navigate it. Given that we still live in a world with patriarchy and where men are still more expected to play the active/seeking role (someone has to initiate), it is perfectly reasonable for men to ask “how do I dating?”. I keep hoping that there will be a community of folks building each other up in this set of skills.

But the groups that I’ve seen are just...sigh...

I suppose one sign of a healthy group might be that it has a diversity of gender and sexual orientations (or is at least branding itself for that) and has discussions which follow from that. Another might be one which has lots of discussions about emotional/relationship skills in general. Like:

- How to ‘hold space’ for someone in emotional distress.

- How to listen to someone else in a way that helps them organize their thoughts/feelings

- How to generate sexual tension on a date, either in new relationship or a longstanding one.

- How to psych yourself up to have tough conversations or set boundaries despite discomfort.

- How to check if you’ve violated someone else’s boundaries in a way that leads to them feeling respected, while still being confident and not falling into scrupulousity.

- How to tackle scrupulousity head-on or overcome feelings that you should make yourself small in social interactions.

- How to notice when someone is feeling excluded from a group or doesn’t know how to engage and then draw them into conversation in a way that makes them feel welcomed

etc.

Having members with longstanding relationships is probably particularly important as a sign that the advice that circles around in the group is actually effective and promotes healthy relationships. It also would allow it to be an actual community rather than something that people cycle in and out of.