[coldtea]

>I've learnt that few people like a strange, mostly silent creature being around long. It's very rare that I'm around anyone long enough for me to get past it and actually make a friend.

Well, being a friend is all about communication. If one sits silent, how can the other gauge if they are good friend material?

They could be totally incompatible, a jerk, rude, stupid, etc -- and there's no way to tell otherwise unless they actually engage in speak.

>I read articles that open with "all it takes is a little conversation". Gee thanks. That's the hardest thing I know, and getting harder the further into being an adult I get.

That's the insight though -- the "little" part, i.e. that it shouldn't be viewed as something difficult that one has to get "right".

Just say whatever BS, small talk, etc. Doesn't have to be anything profound or special. It will pick up from there and go on autopilot after a while.

[mostlysilent]

I recognize this, and yeah it's obvious why others find it strange.

I find it difficult to explain. I can fake and cope when rules are known. I can talk where there's shared rules for everyone like an interview or a class, with staff in a store. When it gets to free format, like the lunch break, I don't know the answers any more and have to take time thinking up something to say, so people reasonably move on to more interesting targets. Or just start to find me weird. Put another way, ask me what I want to eat or of the code I just wrote and there's an answer in my head straight away, small talk with strangers gets complete silence in my head. I never seem to recognize body language and signals either. Then it gets difficult, as I have to start thinking hard for what's next. I once thought everyone's that way and just really fast at it.

I've heard enough people describe it in ways that make it sound so easy, like riding a bike not needing any thought. I need to translate it into my native language. I don't think I'm making any sense now, so I'll stop.

Think I may be somewhere on the aspergers, autism or ADHD spectrums, I recognize some of all, but none seem to quite nail it. Looking back a better career choice would have been the military to live mostly under known rules. I can do that.

[jiscariot]

In reading your description, I see significant parallels with my experience...I had never noticed the "rules" perspective. That helped shed some light on things, so thanks for that.

It is apt that you mention the military. I have heard from a few sources that the military is a really effective at teaching people to BS, but mainly due to long periods of sitting around waiting with little to do except goof off or shoot the breeze.

[coldtea]

>I just wrote and there's an answer in my head straight away, small talk with strangers gets complete silence in my head. Maybe imagine that it's you that initiated the talk, and start asking them questions back.

Whatever they say, just follow with something on subject. There's no "correct" answer in small talk.

Even straying off topic is OK -- see it as opening a new "sub-thread".

[dragon96]

I can relate to this description a lot! I find that my mind is very blank whenever around people (from strangers to closer acquaintances), which makes it really hard for me to avoid modes in which the other person asks me question and I feel like I'm filling out a questionnaire verbally.

I've started observing some upward trend over the past 2 months, so maybe I could offer some food for thought that doesn't cue the "Gee thanks" in your head.

- I felt rather apathetic about life for some time. I felt less uncomfortable around people and my mind felt less blank after caring about more things. I don't have a simple answer to "How do you care about things more?", but I can say more if you're interested.

- I feel like an outsider pretty often, which makes it hard to be myself around others. For example, I like to learn math, but I feel too embarrassed to answer that to "What do you like to do for fun?" Now I tell people about the more "acceptable" pasttimes that I've picked up recently, like some tidbits I've learned from cooking + asking for their cooking and taste advice. I don't find these cooking conversations as engrossing as when I can talk to someone else about math, but it's a medium between "don't have any interest in the other person" and "really want to be their best friend".

- I often fall into a state where I see most people around me as "NPCs". A game that helped me shift out of this was people-watching and story-telling. When passing people on sidewalks, I would take an extra second to watch their face and body language and guess what they were thinking or feeling.

- I sometimes come off as nervous, closed-off, or unengaging in conversation. Recording a couple of my conversations + listening to them helped me hear myself from 3rd person, and be more aware of when I interrupted people or when I sounded disengaged. There are a ton of hacks I learned for having more socially-acceptable body language. This helps me feel less nervous, so I spend fewer cycles worrying and a little bit more engaged in the conversation. Examples:

* I tend to not make eye contact because people's stares made me nervous; making eye contact with one of their eyes is much easier than both.

* I talk somewhat quietly and find it hard to raise my volume; I talked from a deeper part of my voice (which incidentally also calms me down).

* I would either cross my arms, put them behind my back, fidget with my hands, fidget with items, or put my hands in my pocket, all of which send a closed-off signal; when I don't have an item to hold, I try to leave my hands at my side and focus on touching my thumbs and index fingers as lightly as possible, which also calms me.

- I found myself pushing off responding to friends on Messenger/text because sometimes I didn't know what to say or because it takes too much effort to think of something to say. I found it helpful to practice responding immediately whenever possible.

- I had to keep reminding myself that even the most socially fluid people probably only click with at most 20% of people, so having "failed interactions" is very acceptable.

Ultimately, I think it's about being less distracted and more alert during conversations. My thoughts wander a fair amount, and I still have a long way to go before I'm fully present in these conversations. Feel free to email me if you want to share some thoughts privately; I'm still figuring this out and could use some other perspectives. :)

[gaius]

If one sits silent, how can the other gauge if they are good friend material?

Watch some of the movies with Jay and Silent Bob to understand this.