[CodeWriter23]

Someone suggested to me that my anger was inwardly focused and that had a direct causative effect on my depression. That rang true for me. So my first work on that was to get my anger directed in an outward fashion. At first, that entailed literally breaking stuff, chopping wood, climbing steep hills on my bike until it hurt, just get that energy going in the right direction. Get it out in the moment instead of bottling it up, fermenting it, then serving an explosion of it to some undeserving person who happened to be in my proximity.

Later some anger management came in. When I felt anger, I would pause, take a breath and assess why I felt wronged in a situation. If the reality check was the other person was crossing one of my boundaries, I would express that boundary and uphold it in as gentle a way as I was able. Which sometimes was pretty brutal, but my intent was always to de-escalate and ask for what I needed without expectation. If the reality check was I had expectations, particularly unreasonable ones, I would just own it, laugh at myself and move on. Maybe share it with some people in my support network.

Later, as naikrovek alluded to in his reply, I started working through childhood trauma issues with a therapist. That's when I got the most relief, though I'm not sure I could have skipped straight to therapy without doing all that other stuff first. Discovering my primary trauma as feelings of being unseen and unheard put things into perspective that made it very manageable. I just make sure I'm being seen and heard, and those skills evolve over time.

When I feel anger and it isn't about any of the above, I take it as a call to action to try to invoke some change. Mostly with myself, though at times I will put ideas out there for other people to contemplate. Acceptance is the key, however I should not accept the unacceptable. If it has to do with others, I invoke a cost benefit analysis to see if I want to fight, and if so, then I do. If I don't feel the fight is worth it, then I use what I call the short version of The Serenity Prayer, which is "Fuck it". I can't say I let it go, but I leave it alone. If it comes up in a recurring resentment kind of pattern, I just remind myself I'm leaving it alone. That gets a lot easier with time.

Perhaps I'm oversharing for a forum such as this. I hope it is helpful in some way; we all have our own journeys. Maybe none of this applies to you. I feel the key things are, be honest with yourself about how well your choices and strategies are working for you, and make sure you have some support. Some real people who really care enough to listen to you and help you without judgment. And most importantly, people who will tell you the truth no matter how painful it may be to you.

[pknerd]

> When I felt anger, I would pause, take a breath and assess why I felt wronged in a situation

For me, it is not easy. How do you manage to pause at first place?

[OmIsMyShield]

I too struggle very often with the pause and the recognition of emotion before acting on it.

Something that has been somewhat helpful to me is a meditation method called mental noting. Please note no method will work for everyone but in case it's useful to you, here goes.

Basically, my version, please do search for more qualified people's version of mental noting on the internet:

1) Rest attention on my breathing

2) Notice (I don't always notice, I don't often notice, but sometimes I do) that I'm distracted

3) Note and label the distraction (mentally say "I'm thinking" or "I'm itching" or "I'm worrying" or "I'm replaying conversation" etc)

4) Thank the distraction for allowing me to flex the mental "noticing muscle"

4.5) Remind myself not to beat myself up about how long I was distracted, haha

5) GOTO 1

This practice has helped me in slowly building up a mental observer that can pause from time to time. But, as I said, I still struggle with the pause.

[CodeWriter23]

Speaking purely from my own experience, it takes practice. It wasn’t easy and at first I had no gap between the stimulus and my response. Taking responsibility that my anger is mine and isn’t caused by the other party made it clear in my mind it was up to me to change. "They" aren't "making" me angry; I am angry because "they" have broken some of "my" rules. Sometimes my rules are valid and sometimes not.

The gap widened over time. This is really a process of the heart/spirit/inner goodness, there isn’t any way to think your way through it. It’s about making the commitment to address the behavior, practice and self honesty.

All that said, and all my years of practice, I can still be quick to anger especially in the case of those I have judged to be morons (there's "my" rules coming into play again). But it is nowhere near the same level as what was making me depressed some time ago. And that’s the key point I’m trying to make through my comments here. Look to addressing your inner anger if you’re depressed. Especially when angry with yourself. I want to be really clear I have anger in my life. I do my best to channel it constructively, but I’m no floating in the clouds guru spreading love and unicorn farts across the galaxy. I’ve just found some ways to deal with it and experience some benefit as a result.

[sequoia]

Thank you for taking the time to share all this.

[throwaway874]

Thank you for your generous reply.