[YCode]

> Urban citizens may be desperate to get advice from an older, wiser person, but they don't want to turn to the guy they've worked with for years or the uncle who remembers the tears shed over a broken toy truck. Someone familiar might judge them.

Maybe it's a cultural difference, but excepting dysfunctional relationships the idea that your close friends and family are the wrong people to give you advice is almost dystopian.

[CamTin]

In the US, we have the understanding bartender or wise taxi driver stereotype. This seems like largely the same thing: somebody with some perspective on your situation because they aren't too bogged down with the minutiae of actually knowing you very well who can "buck you up" or dash off an insight that your spouse or friends can't.

[S-E-P]

They make you comfortable as they attempt to give insight to something they don't understand, but it's not too personal and since they know little about you, there's not much room for judgement.

Kind of like a one night stand, same principle (though much like a real relationship is much more rewarding, it's also a lot more work, the parallels here are fairly apparent)

[jerf]

Yeah. It's amazing how much good you can do for someone just listening to them. It's "rubber duck debugging" in our industry, but the principle can be applied to your general life too.

It's also amazing how much good you can do for someone by just listening to them for a bit, and then deploying the correct platitude. No originality, no great wisdom, just the right thing said at the right time, from someone whom the listener doesn't have years of emotional callouses, defenses, and preconceptions built up to prevent them from hearing the simplest of words without hearing the echos of years past.

With a bit more effort you can do even better, of course; I'm not trying to oversell the goodness. I'm saying the bang for the buck can be surprisingly good for people.

[jgh]

I don't know about that. Lots of people go to therapists and just talk about mundane stuff too just because they feel more comfortable having a "clinical" conversation about whatever's on their mind (as in someone who isn't emotionally invested in any way). I guess this is something like therapy but probably more like what you would get from friends if they didnt have any emotional attachment to you and could offer objective advice.

[ptero]

I do not see it this way. I have great parents: smart, non overbearing but always ready to help. But I still listened to the strangers (and friends and family, and probably ignored 80% of all that advice). Some thoughts on why this could make sense:

First, I probably know what a family member would suggest (by being close, observation, partial answers of related questions). That "indirect advice" is already baked in. Second, more data points can helps. Last but not least, with family and friends you lack anonymity and it could be nontrivial to ignore advice of a family member on a serious matter. I do not see any of this as dystopian.

As an anecdote, where I grew up train travel was common, generally safe and tickets cheap (and at 16 you were a full adult and can go alone wherever you want / can afford). On long train rides folks would often discuss things and open up in a way they would not do with a close friend. "Train conversations" was a phrase in common use suggesting it was not rare.

[namaemuta]

There are some online services like 7cups in which people talk with strangers about their problems just to vent, allowing them to talk freely without being judged. For example, many teenagers don't want to talk to their parents because they feel they won't be taken seriously or they will be dismissed with a simple "that's because you are young". Another example could be when people don't want to worry their close ones (a thing that many depressed people do, to avoid being a burden).

[rsynnott]

I'm not sure that's actually true. In particular, close friends and family may be reluctant to be critical where it's warranted.

[tonyedgecombe]

On the other hand they probably know you rather well.

[TeMPOraL]

In my experience, they think they know you rather well, but in reality, they know only the image of you they constructed for themselves. Also, regardless of how accurate that image is, it's sometimes better to talk with someone who doesn't have preconceptions about you.

[namaemuta]

That can be an issue too when they use that knowledge to brush off the trouble as not a big deal.

[graeme]

This is a human universal. The stranger on a train phenomenon is one way we describe the same thing in the west. If you've ever been a traveller, you'll know that people on the road open up to you in a way that few people at home will.

[dagw]

Many people don't have close friends they're comfortable talking with and even people that have close friends, those friends are often the same age as them give or take a few years and thus don't have the 'wisdom' of age that this article is talking about.

[swagtricker]

Some flavors of class dysfunction as well as culture make this the preferred way to get advice in the US. The so-called middle class in the US likes to be self identified by what seems like 70% of the nation. Anyone from the working poor to the actual middle & even upper middle class over the past 50 years has the cultural message of "strike out on your own - make your mark in the world". But, how? Who knows how to do that?

The assumption here becomes that what worked for your parents (even if your relationship is good with them) won't work for you. Worse than that - they don't know how to do better because if they did, they would have by now! For dysfunctional relationships it's worse - the cultural message of "strike out on your own" becomes inferred as "you think you're better than us" and "you're just a social climber". The analogy of a pot of crabs that keep clawing each other back into the pot so that none escape is not a metaphor in the lower socioeconomic strata. It's an observable phenomenon that can make a foot note in your own family history.

In short, unless you want to end up exactly where your friends and family are - they're not the ones you want to be getting advice and ideas from.

[thrav]

The truth is that many people don’t have either, and the more we reposition ourselves around the country, the bigger the problem gets. If you don’t get along with someone in the office who is willing to bring you into their circle, you’re kinda S.O.L.

I’ve been trying to crack the nut of a mechanism for friend finding that would actually be socially acceptable and cool, but any real solution would never be considered a great business idea, because the goal is for people to not need it anymore.

Having real friends who are with you through thick and thin is so critical. Most people just have a bunch of acquaintances that they drink with.

[yonaguska]

For me- it's finding a real physical hobby that I'm passionate about and finding like-minded people. I'm not sure what it is about the physicality of it that makes a difference- but I have found that I've formed the most lasting friendships over things that you are actually doing. Shooting, martial arts, motorcycles

[thrav]

100% agree. Taking an interest in something someone else is already super passionate about and sharing it with them has been my surest path to friendship, which is why the idea I like the most is based around the concept of climbing partners, and finding people with shared interests that are better done together. I like the name onbelay.

Oh you like mountain biking? Here are 15 other 28-34 year old mountain bikers in your area.

[dgzl]

My close friends and family are largely dysfunctional people.

[PunchTornado]

hmm, I'm from a western country and never had any advice from my family. maybe I didn't ask it, or when I asked it, it was just to make conversation, the input was really bad. but we are very close otherwise.

[fencepost]

Perhaps.

Have you heard of SCORE (Service Corps of Retired Executives)? They provide business mentoring, mostly to small businesses and people considering starting such businesses.