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by ataturk
2895 days ago
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My 81 year old mother has dementia. It is a terrible disease. She has no short-term memory at all and it makes caring for her extremely difficult. Also, as the disease has progressed, she has gotten into crazy hallucinations and almost hurt herself and my father many times. She puts him into all kinds of bizarre situations when out in public by often screaming for help and telling bystanders she is being kidnapped/held against her will, which makes life for my father a living hell since he already hates cops and government authorities, and now he has to talk to them and explain his situation all the damn time. It's...a...living...hell--for her, for him, and for the entire family and she can't die soon enough because death would be far better than having no ability to be productive and able to care for herself. |
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However, it sounds like their relationship has become confrontational. And it might help to empathize with her. Perhaps she does have cause to feel held against her will.
Some years ago, we realized that an uncle, who was ~85 years old and living alone, wasn't taking good care of himself. He wasn't eating enough, wasn't keeping himself clean, and just dozed on the couch, watching TV. And one of his feet was gangrenous.
So we invited him to live with us, and he agreed. And we saved the foot. However, my wife is very kind and caring. But she has high standards. So there was much conflict. She argued that, because he had Alzheimer's, and because he was living in our home, he didn't get to choose when to get up, when to eat, when to wash, when to shave, etc, etc.
It got to the point that we hired a big guy who basically forced him to do what she wanted him to. It was horrible. But finally, I convinced my wife to cut him some slack. We let him grow a beard. We let him wash at the sink, rather than showering. We let him watch TV all day, if he wanted, and got him a cat to keep him company. And we made sure that he ate enough, and had proper medical care. We retained the big guy, but he became our uncle's closest friend.
So anyway, whenever I hear horror stories from caregivers, about people with dementia or Alzheimer's, I wonder how it looks from the other side. If for no other reason, because that's the side I'm approaching.