[sexlessnashamed]

maybe this is a call for help and I get HN us probably the wrong place but I haven’t had a girlfriend in 15yrs and yes that means no sex in 15yrs.

Im sure I have tons of issues. If im being defensive I’d say it’a juat bad luck. There’s been plently of women that have been interested in me and some I’ve been interested in but none where we were interested in each other. It doesn’t help that I’m a geek engineer so there are no women at work and most geek meetups are 90-95% men. Sure I go to a few non geek meetups but of course I almost never meet someone there I think I have anything in common with.

I also have this hang up that if I know the woman is not going to be long term I won’t sleep with her. The reason is in my experience, at least for my type of girl, they are always hoping for LTR even if they say short term is ok so if I already know I’m not really interested then it feels deceitful. And Im also not looking for short term.

so, I’m always hopeful I’ll meet someone but that hope is now at 15yrs.

Have had 6 LTR before I was 35 including one short marriage

[bitL]

Ask yourself honestly: Do I really need sex/intimacy or is it just a bonus at best? Take a coin, label one side as never have sex, the other as have sex, flip it and observe your feelings once you see the result - did you feel relief or stress? Then you know "the direction of your heart". If you want to start meeting lots of women, buy a camera, spend a few months mastering the art of strobe photography to get at least to average level, make a profile on Model Mayhem, start doing castings or respond to traveling models in your area; if your work is any good, within another 6 months you'll be meeting the most beautiful women on this planet, possibly most entitled as well ;-) You will definitely have no issues talking to any woman afterwards, probably you'd not even want to approach most women and reject them outright if they ever approach you. If you get yourself in shape instead of being lazy or busy etc., that would also help tremendously. If Flavio Briatore with his physique could date Heidi Klum, what are the limits for ugly incels? It's all in your head, possibly in hygiene and how you dress as well. Don't be stupid, anyone can do it, women react to completely different stimuli than you were taught; once you figure it out you'll be laughing on how silly you were.

[sexlessnashamed]

Thanks for trying to help. I'm not ugly or unfit and as I mentioned women are interested. Rather I have some other issue which is finding one I want that's also interested in me. I find plenty (well, 3-4 a year so maybe that's not plenty) that would be happy to date and are attractive. They just clearly (or at least in my head) are not a match. That includes at least one actual "model". I dress well as well.

The issue is not attracting them so much as something about my attitude and finding better matches. Example: I have a hairdresser who is clearly interested. We have zero in common though. Her entire life is drink with friends at a bar near her salon and otherwise watch Japanese TV. (both her own admission that that's all she does). And she's attractive. I'm not judging her choices, just saying that doesn't interest me so I don't pursue.

Conversely, met a girl who was a game dev. We hit it off immediately. Talked like fast friends. Thought it might go somewhere. She ditched when she found out I was 15yrs her senior (3rd-ish date). I wasn't shooting for young, just happy to find someone with semi common interests so that conversation was a exciting and joyous for both of us. That rarely happens. Not saying I need a game dev person. Just saying need someone who I can see as being a friend I can have a real conversation with. Who I like talking to because she's interested in more than just fashion (that's not an indictment of women in general, just that it's been a common experience for me). Have met a couple of girls I could talk well to but I wasn't physically attracted. Not looking for model just for whatever reason it attraction wasn't there for me.

Anyway, clearly I'm doing something wrong that I can't seem to meet someone that both seems like a match and we are mutually attracted. 15yrs is plenty of proof that it's me. Still I have no clue where to meet them. If I go to some conference where I think I'd meet some who have compatible interests they're are too few so they are probably taken or hit on constantly and therefore I'd feel like a jerk to be yet another guy trying.

[bitL]

From my experience you are chasing an illusion or a "rare event". It's unlikely you are going to find what you desire with the current generation of women, maybe you'd have had higher chance in previous ages. Now it's like with jobs - most likely the only choice you have is how much money you get and to what extent your boss is going to be terrible, but all jobs look the same (barring luck). So with girls you shouldn't expect deep meaningful conversations and working on something great together (unless it's political/economical power, including internal war once you reach interesting level); get buddies for that. Similarly, the same frustration is shared by women as they don't see much interesting going on with contemporary men, when it comes to their preferences, and neither side cares about compromises anymore. So either accept you will have at best an actress pretending she likes what you like and you'll be an actor simulating her preferred type, or focus on something else that seems meaningful to you. Romantic love is dead and buried (again, barring some rare exceptions).