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Thanks for this, m8. Never thought I'd see something like this on HN that wasn't downvoted to hell. I "hear voices" too. They tell me when to eat, they talk me down when I'm upset, they talk me into becoming upset, they tell me what to say in the moment, and many other things. Mostly they are distinguishable-- separate from "me" in ways that I still identify with an "I", but clearly also part of me in ways that I have no identity. I still struggle a lot with identity because it seems that everyone has one even though I know, theoretically, that's not really the case. Identity is a tool, and it's always seemed to me that other people feel more cohesive than I do-- that they are nimble with the tool and it's natural, or automatic. It feels as though I'm composed of too many moving parts to really call myself one person. For a while there I was trying to find it, but I don't think it's really there. There are "higher" parts of me and "lower" parts of me, and all become relevant at one time or another, and they appear to me when relevant. I think we all get echoes from the past and future, from things that are/were/will be connected to us or are somehow more a part of us-- related to "us" by some common factor-- and so I have been trying to narrow those down. It helps a lot to just listen and to talk back. Maybe ultimately all of these parts culminate to one thing, synchronize in some way on some other level, and on this level here I am working in part to synchronize them. There are some kinks. Obviously the voices/selves/beings are not all in agreement. My ego feels less like a definition and more like a synthesizer now. Then there is stuff to do in the "real world", and I have to find a way to balance the interests of every consciousness inside me to create something that represents some need, cohesively. And I have to do it all the time. I probably sound sick to most people, but like you said I don't think I am. I think it's difficult to deal with, definitely, but it's a duty of a kind, and it's a challenge like anything else. There's healing to be done but not in the sense that I want to be free of the duty, but that the duty requires that I heal some parts. I think this is the natural state of things. Thank you for stating your thoughts on this, it's something I don't know how to express or spark in regular conversation so rarely do I get the chance to feel in communion in another way with another human on this. |