besides the " marry myself to a cloud vendor" part it sounds like you want a platform as a service. AWS and Google both provide more or less what you've asked for. Just takes minimal glue to turn the features on.
Yup, I basically want self-hosted PaaS in a box, but also w/ opinionated interoperability (e.g. use Prometheus alert manager to tell if my DB disk is reaching 90%, use consul DNS to have stable names for my log server, use Grafana to show me memory usage across every container/app, etc). It's always the "minimal glue" that takes forever and often once "glued" it becomes stale because it's not maintained unless it's someone's job or something breaks.